This is a blast from the relative past. I have this system where I pile up things I need said in various buffers, notepads in real life, compartments in my brain, and text buffers on the computer. Now they’re all overflowing with “externally unsaid stuff” and need to be purged, for sanity retention. There will hence be periodic random bursts like this. This was me screaming into a bag a while ago. I don’t necessarily feel any of this now, plus stuff’s changed. I just need to get it out of here as I see it every time I come to this file to jot something down, and it’s bothering me.
I thought I was pretty much through this last evening before I went to bed. I seemed peaceful enough, but I ended up tossing and turning instead when a bunch of loose ends kept popping up. I woke, often, with some odd thought relating to her tone, or something she’d said.
I thought I had decided I wouldn’t let it bother me. Damn it, I want to stop being affected. I want to be happy.
– Who cares how he would feel when/if told about the nature of our relationship? Is she ashamed of us? Of me?
– Didn’t she ever need anything I tried to do?
– Why do men who come into her life now (or even earlier, come to think of it) get different treatment? Why was I told all the details in all their glory? Wouldn’t things be different if she hid them from me too? They aren’t told the details, so they can’t automatically assume my role, so will always be “different” in her eyes. Does this mean,
– She didn’t ever want me at all, so was willing to use me as this sort of sacrificial lamb?
– Is that why I feel so used? That I feel she knew all of this, and put me through it because I can take it?
– She told me, and saw where it led to, so she’s avoiding it with them?
– She isn’t and won’t be as comfortable and totally honest with other people, even if it is to avoid complications?
– Can you ever know too much about someone? How could you possibly know so much about someone being their friend becomes weird. Where is this “magic point” where it enters the “domain of love” when you just can’t be comfortable with a friend of the opposite (or same, if your preferences are different from mine) sex.
– Do I, what we’ve been through, mean so little to her that she can just forget it ever happened and go on to live happily ever after?
– If yes, why can’t I begin to feel that way? Why am I so stuck and feeling all dumped?
– Would she be so positive about things if he didn’t exist in the picture? Am I right in assuming this unified (60-40% split?) decision to wean off each other is easier on her because she’s been drawn to someone else for some time now?
– Who is she to keep doing this and affecting me like this anymore?
– Don’t you give up that right after you dump someone? Why do I let her control so much, when she’s taken away so much?
– How “raw” can your connection be to someone, when you’ve not been entirely forthcoming about facts that form an important facet of your life?
I repeat, sanity retention.
And oh, the test, well if only life were comparably piece of cakey.