actuality.log


Tuesday, October the 12th, 2004

It’s funny how things change. As a kid, birthdays were happy times. Plenty of presents and fun times with friends. Baking (rather complicated and cool) cakes with mom, and then pigging out. You know, just fun stuff that makes you … happy to be alive. You haven’t a care in the world, and everything’s going great.

And then things eventually morph to how my birthdays are now. It’s so weird, I go into this sort of introspectively-evaluatey mode where I’m constantly comparing where I am in my life with where I’d assumed I’d be by now. Feeling past-my-time and worthless that I am no where near where I could have been. It’s depressing and I end up feeling quite losery and sorry for myself. It’s a good thing I was quite preoccupied with getting results so that I have something to talk about, so I really didn’t have that much time to ponder over all this stuff.

I mean, I am somewhere right? Shouldn’t that be some sort of achievement to make me feel happy and have a sense of accomplishment?

Where did I expect to be by now? Be happily married with three kids in this picket fenced house? Win the Nobel prize for curing some deadly disease? Be some sort of super accomplished athlete dominating a field? Be this millionaire rock star with 3 multi-platinum albums?

Jeez, I hope I snap out of this already.

This is a printer-friendly version of the journal entry “Depressing Evaluation” from actuality.log. Visit http://emphaticallystatic.org/earlier/depressing-evaluation/ to read the original entry and follow any responses to it.

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