actuality.log


Friday, August the 8th, 2008

I’m quite convinced the problem with my brain is that it’s not dead—it’s actually capable of thought.

As I lie there exhausted, my heavy eyelids slowly descending over my tired eyes, I feel her snuggle up even closer to me with a contended sigh. That’s when it happens—right when I’m on the brink of actually experiencing a moment of true happiness—my brain begins to race in a frenzied panic:

“But she’s not petite enough. Shouldn’t she be younger? She doesn’t look anything like what you’ve always longed for. Does she have to be such a tomboy all the time? I wish she were more of a girly-girl; it wouldn’t hurt for her to pay more attention to herself…”

How much I adore her, or how good we’ve been together, or how much fun I have when she’s around, or how liberating it’s been to openly share things with her… all of this, every single positive facet, quickly fades into the distant background. My brain has decreed she doesn’t look like she “ought to,” and its own voice is the only one it’s willing to hear.

The sad part is, I’m not able to convince it that it’s wrong. Superficial? Of course. Acting idiotically to our detriment? Hell yes!

But wrong?

This is a printer-friendly version of the journal entry “Dripping dropping people drop of a hat” from actuality.log. Visit http://emphaticallystatic.org/earlier/dripping-dropping-people-drop-of-a-hat/ to read the original entry and follow any responses to it.

3 Responses to “Dripping dropping people drop of a hat”

  1. Hannah says:

    Oh I can sympathise with you here. Whenever I think something good might actually be about to happen I analyse it and prevent myself from actually having a happy moment. It seems like a daft thing to do but I still do it and it sounds sort of like what you’re doing here. People don’t live up to expectations, no-one ever matches with what they ought to look like or ought to be etc. I guess you just have to try your hardest to ignore that nagging voice in your head and throw expectations out of the window.

  2. pundit says:

    Welcome Hannah!

    I understand what you’re trying to say, and it does sound remarkably like what I am doing here. But (and I’m sure you’ve realised this) what you’re saying is easier said than done. I want to throw my expectations out of the window and I want to enjoy what I have, but… it’s almost as if… I am not sure if I ought to be happy when my expectations are not met. It’s a weird kind of circular logic.

    I just need to try harder I guess.

  3. Hannah says:

    Sometimes it can be very hard to be able to be happy. I’m having that problem at the moment. And we can say we just need to try harder about a lot of things but it is more complex than that and I know that. I just generally have quite low expectations of other people particularly in relationships, I now just expect guys to be mean. So I suppose I kind of have the opposite problem.


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