actuality.log


Saturday, September the 9th, 2006

My body is so sore as I sit down to type this, it’s not even funny.

You might have been wondering why the man behind all of this has been so silent of late. Maybe something major came up, maybe something went wrong. Well, not to fear; it’s nothing major, I’ve just been too sore to type.

You see, I wasn’t kidding when I said that I “wanted to get a personal-trainer-person in my life tomorrow; as in tomorrow.”

We’re just going to call her… Piquant. Yes, that works well; she’s strong and stinging, but in a stimulating sort of way.

I’ve spent another couple of hours with her and she’s busy pushing me trying to figure out where I stand. Briefly, my upper body flexibility is phenomenal (the best the system has ever seen!), my upper body strength is abysmal (the worst the system has ever seen?), my cardiovascular capacity and lower body strength are very good (guess who was repeatedly lifting 340 lb, with his puny legs!), my body fat-to-muscle-mass-ratio is boderline alarming (think Homer Simpson and failing “the jiggle test”).

I just walked up to her with this big bag of money and said, “I’m broken, fix me.” (Yeah, just like that.) And Piquant’s been using information she’s gathered about me to figure out how to nudge me toward my goals. Where, by “nudge,” I mean “yell crudely (only as crudely as she can given her cute voice, of course) in an attempt to shame me.” And by “goals,” I mean the capacity to carry a reasonably-sized girlfriend—to bed.

This is a printer-friendly version of the journal entry “Enter, Piquant” from actuality.log. Visit http://emphaticallystatic.org/earlier/enter-piquant/ to read the original entry and follow any responses to it.

3 Responses to “Enter, Piquant”

  1. Michelle says:

    Ha! Join the club! You may want to stock up on an anti-inflammatory, like Ibuprofen, and some muscle pain reliever cream type stuff. I believe I am finally starting to get my legs back after the one and only spinning class I took this past Wednesday. I finally got to bed last night for the first time since then without repeatedly groaning “bugger bugger bugger” and other favorite profanities through gritted teeth as I climbed into it. Lovely!

  2. pundit says:

    I have avoided the urge to use medication, though I have felt near-dead on the completion of every session. Trainer-people believe that my muscles ought to get back to normal in a day or two (but my recovery times are more along the timeframes you mention), and they go ahead trying to push me.

    It’s like they are born mean, or something.

  3. Michelle says:

    El Boyfriend’s nephew told me that I ought to have gone right back to the gym the next day and done more exercise and it wouldn’t have hurt…but the fact that I was having issues sitting down was something I couldn’t really work around.

    Really…no more spin classes for me until/unless they get something with proper cushioning, lol.


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