actuality.log


Monday, May the 17th, 2004

Or on the brink anyhow. This is madness, I just hope I don’t do something weird during the test itself. (Read: Pass out, cry, just fall down and start screaming in pain, get all defensive and start blaming arbitrary things for lack of knowledge, …)

It was so much easier when I was younger. I could be the guy who didn’t know squat, put in the 18 hours of reading, suddenly come out the guy who knew more than most. All that’s gone. I can’t really concentrate for more than a couple of hours (which explains why I am out here typing this), and even that time spent isn’t tremendously productive.

And there used to be this huge support network functioning quietly and efficiently at times like this, primarily my mom. If I looked tired, I needn’t ask for a glass of tea or whatever, it’d just be there. Having to make my own food was never an issue. If I realized the books I had were worthless, I could order someone to buy me better ones. If I was spending 8 hours trying to pass some level in some game on the eve of a test, I would at least be asked if I felt prepared enough to warrant goofing off.

Now, nothing. None of these and other such things exist. It’s only a matter of time before I sink, expecting inherent capabilities and support nets that don’t exist anymore to keep me afloat.

This is a printer-friendly version of the journal entry “I’m screwed” from actuality.log. Visit http://emphaticallystatic.org/earlier/im-screwed/ to read the original entry and follow any responses to it.
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4 Responses to “I’m screwed”

  1. anita says:

    i know how you feel…i’m sure your finals are a lot harder than mine were when i was in grad school, but i think i was up for 3 days straight during finals my last semester there. it was not good. and it was easily avoidable, but i just kept procrastinating and then just went nuts. and there were many times when i was there that i had mini-breakdowns because of the whole lack-of-support thing you are talking about.

    just hang in there and do your best. getting a B would not be the end of the world, as much as you might be trained to believe that it is : )

  2. wahgnube says:

    Thank you. If it were a final I’d be less inclined to freak out like this. These exams dictate whether I get to continue doing what I do,

    or get booted off.

  3. anita says:

    oh, yeah…forgot about those exams. never had to take any since i stopped at a master’s : )

    well, i’ll just wish you good luck then. keep my fingers crossed that you do well and have a speedy recovery from all the freaking-out.

  4. wahgnube says:

    Thank you thank you. Really really.
    I have little else left to say.


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