actuality.log


Tuesday, December the 27th, 2005

It was all going so well; my life I mean. It’s strange how the most trivial of events can open up the door to emotions and broken dreams you’ve kept so well hidden.

That’s the trouble with holidays. There’s too much time to slow down and think. Time to mull things over; over and over. It’s a festive season. I am surrounded by laughter, warmth, rich colours and family… and through all of this, it hits me, cutting deep—the stark realisation of how alone I really am. So much time past, so many things changed, yet the severity of loneliness still eats at my insides.

I get all tense and begin to hyperventilate. I calm down, forcing myself to take deep breaths reminding myself there are many other fish in the sea.

And then I look around. Look around to see other senior grad students, my immediate selection pool, all in their mid-to-late 20s. It then hits me again, harder than before—I’m too late. Anyone whose beauty makes my heart skip a beat, who finds my dry sense of humour funny—laughing sexily at my tentative attempts, whose eyes light up in excitement when they’re talking to me, who’s passionate about the same things I am, who listens to me—really getting me, who’s informed and conversant enough to hold profound conversations we enjoy so much, whose dynamic nature inspires me out of my reserved shell, whose talent never fails to wow me… has found someone else.

I get tense again, and even more short of breath.

Update: I just got invited to another (strikingly attractive) woman’s wedding this evening. Well, whoopideedoo.

And so begins a true reversion to this journal to its roots.

This is a printer-friendly version of the journal entry “Lacking companionship” from actuality.log. Visit http://emphaticallystatic.org/earlier/lacking-companionship/ to read the original entry and follow any responses to it.

5 Responses to “Lacking companionship”

  1. pundit says:

    Something in your throat dear? Would you like something to drink?

  2. J says:

    YES!
    I have this BIG ugly frog stuck in my throat, help me bring the thing out so that I can kiss it will ya?

  3. pundit says:

    Not to buck years of fairy-tale wisdom, but if the little guy (how BIG could he really beconsidering he’s stuck in your throat) were to turn into a prince on being kissed, shouldn’t that have already happened considering he’s deep-seated in your throat?

    Nevertheless, of course I’ll help.

  4. Crayola says:

    I don’t know how i bumped into this post today. It hurts to know how bitter and lonely some really awesome and beautiful people, who deserve so much in this world are. It hurts even more that i wasn’t there for you all along, never letting you feel this way!

    But, all I have to tell you now is: You will never be alone. Not anymore my sweet sweet baby!


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