actuality.log


Friday, February the 27th, 2004

Baby’s got blue skies up ahead
But in this I�m a rain cloud
You know she needs a dry kind of love
Oh oh oh, the sweetest thing

I�m losing you
I�m losing you
Ain’t love the sweetest thing

I have done a lot I am not particularly proud of over the past few days. I don’t know what I was thinking or what I hoped to achieve. I’ve been feeling horrid, but I deserve to be this way. I have been doing nothing but causing sadness to the one person I want to see happy more than anything I want in this world. I don’t have the right to do any of this. Right now, I know it would crush me if it were so, but I almost wish I didn’t mean enough to warrant such emotion. At least my stupidity wouldn’t be hurtful.

The more I behave like this, the more I push her away, the more distant she behaves, the more hurt I get, the more I tend to react this way, …

There is almost no line separating ‘fighting to get back what you feel you lost’ and ‘actually losing it while behaving like an insensitive clod fighting to get back what you feel you lost’. I’ve unknowingly crossed it a long time ago.

Saying ‘glass screeching while being scratched does not realize it is hurting the lens cleaner’ does not cut it. I am not glass. I have a brain.

I hate my brain. I hate it.

This is a printer-friendly version of the journal entry “Lines crossed” from actuality.log. Visit http://emphaticallystatic.org/earlier/lines-crossed/ to read the original entry and follow any responses to it.

6 Responses to “Lines crossed”

  1. anita says:

    i know that when i get hurt, i tend to not want the other person to know that i’m hurt…so instead, i react with anger, or i hurt them back…it really doesn’t help anything, and i just end up feeling terrible for whatever i said or did…

    i guess what i’m saying is, i think it’s just human nature to be that way. but really, it’s much easier to just admit to that person that you’re hurt, you know?

  2. wahgnube says:

    Thank you. I needed to hear that.

    I felt I wasn’t given that privilege. I was.. am very hurt. I understood, but I was hurt. I tried showing this. It was implicitly assumed that I would be understanding, calm and not hurt in the first place. I felt my feelings were ignored. They felt discredited. Like.. they mattered less. Or.. didn’t have a right to exist?

    I didn’t mean to hurt anybody. I was trying to show I was human too. I was trying… . I don’t know. It was this rush of blood to my head. My stupid head. I wanted to be seen as a normal person for once. One who could be hurt. Not some cold calculated stone.

    I wasn’t entirely bright about it. Sigh. I screwed up.

  3. IW says:

    sheesh. dont do this to yourself. we fight with the people we love. they hurt us. we hurt them and then we are just fine. Those are the healthiest relationships. get over this.

  4. IW says:

    this is one of my favorite songs btw :)

  5. we not hurt anymore. Twas a stupid mess up, is all.we digs your brain


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