Alice is one fat fuck. You know the kinds; the morbidly chubby chick who’s unfortunately too “comfortable with her own body”? No matter how much people tend to avoid her, she’s always there. At every event, at every party; wanting to be the centre of attention, right in the centre of every activity—and the centre of every one of [1] Jack’s pictures intended to be of the beautiful people; ruining them. She’s bubbly, giggly and repugnantly confident, but no one gives a fuck; she’s just not aesthetically pleasing to be around.
No one, except Jack.
Though he too is often [2] embarrassed by being seen out in public with her, Jack has spent a lot of time putting up with Alice. He doesn’t fancy her in the least, but he’s superficially very nice to her. He accompanies her for things when everyone else turns her down. He doesn’t laugh about her bulging body; at least not right in front of her face. He doesn’t turn away when she begins her incoherently-excited ramblings about one uninteresting topic or another. No. He plays the perfect gentleman. He’s patient, kind and treats her like she deems she deserves to be.
The only reason Jack does this, is that Alice is good friends with Jenny. You must know Jenny; the long-legged, doe-eyed, perfectly-proportioned goddess? The one with the smile so warm she could melt a glacier or three? You know, the smart, sensitive, adorable little thing who has an intelligent, thoughtful thing to say about everything? The woman whose effortless talent and creativity often leaves everyone in the room awestruck?
Yes, that Jenny.
Now, everyone is nice to Jenny. It’s not such a big deal—I mean, just her presence will make you want to win the world for her—and I’m sure she’s more than used to it. As Jack often tends to misstep, he calculated that being nice to Alice instead was a brilliant way of impressing everyone; especially Jenny. It was the perfect plan in Jack’s mind. Alice would adore him for who he was to her, and the bubbly fatty would surely keep harping about it to Jenny, wouldn’t she?
I mean, they are friends right? Isn’t that what all women always do when Jack isn’t around?
As it turns out, no. They most certainly do not.
Somewhere along this debacle, Jack begins to realise that Alice doesn’t advertise one bit of the going-ons to Jenny. She just sits there, the dumb-fuck that she is, basking in the glow of not being ignored. His calculated niceness has no bearing on Jenny’s feelings toward him. What’s worse, Jack’s now stuck with the fat fuck who genuinely believes he sees her “true inner beauty.”
Is it even remotely surprising that Jack soon breaks Alice’s heart? How many Alices will it take before Jack realises that the only path to nabbing a Jenny doesn’t involve any middle(wo)men?
pundit@emphaticallystatic.org
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