Change, The

Today was huge. One of the hugest days of my life. A few days earlier, I had declared it the “first day of the rest of my life”. Now, I think that was my first small step, but even that wasn’t as major as the events of today. Today was a much needed reality check. I am a broken man. I mean seriously broken. But I am peaceful, and not sad. I’m not crying anyway. It is very hard to go on through normal life holding onto threads whose other ends aren’t attached to anything. You’re always hoping and pining for something you don’t even know you really want, but are constantly hurt realizing you won’t have. It’s stupid when the head loses control of the sequence of events. It just keeps telling you, calm down and back off, it is going to be fine, when there are other rogue portions of your soul deciding to take matters into their own hands.

It was just too hard riding down a path of life with hope, knowing it leads no where. It’s even worse when you didn’t even know where you wanted it to go. I don’t hope anymore. I made sure I got her to cut all the threads. I have nothing to hold on to. We’re too.. her words which I eventually accepted, “weird” together. Nothing has ever been “normal”. The circumstances we met, the circumstances where the magnitudes of feelings rose to points that couldn’t be clearly classified, changes, distance, insecurity issues, … and anything else you care to throw into the mix. Weirder still, were the reasons for the feelings. There is just tons and tons of “stuff” which I’d just assumed would magically “go away” because of how we felt. For once in my life, I was being the man about it. I was all gung-ho about my abilities to fix everything and protect us keeping us happy. None of that was my role. Parts of it were her fight. She had to deal with it herself, to get rid of her issues forever. These things have to be give and take from both sides. Not give and give and give from one side, while the other is beginning to feel weirded out because they’re “taking too much”. Yes, I could have stopped and tried not to overwhelm. But it wasn’t something whose repercussions I would know until it was too late. Maybe I could have been distant, and she could have hidden all her “flaws” from me. But that wouldn’t have really worked. I’d like to know someone totally before I am willing to entrust them with so much power over my emotions. Maybe she could have told me like it is, and I could have been human about it rather than attempting to elevate myself to a guardian angel who she could never have. Maybe I should have had more faith in me as a person, and realized she would probably want me just as much even if I wasn’t constantly “there for her” when she was down. She hates the use of the term “be there”. I’m beginning to too.

But, the sad truth in all of this is I still will do the exact same things, so there is no point hypothesizing about me being “less selflessly there”. She needed, I was there by her side. If she needs, I will still be there by her side. If that elevates me again to some sort of selfless person who cared for her more than he loved her, then so be it. All I needed to feel from the conversation today, was she would have seen me as someone she wanted, even if I weren’t all those things to her. Just me. The person, not the social worker turned idol to worship. I got that out of it. She gave me that. Which is why I am calm now. If I sensed all my life, all that she felt for me, were purely based on my actions given the circumstance, I wouldn’t be peacefully broken. I’d be crushed and depressed.

And I now believe I am psychic. I knew this was coming. I sensed it last evening. I knew I had to be strong for this and not some cowering weakling all lashing out when we were trying to express the harsh realities. How muddled things are. What led them to that state. What needs to be done to get out of this mess so we can be happy. I just knew it. I took the day off for one. I spent all morning venting my emotions through other media. I had gotten it all out. I wasn’t hurt. I wasn’t sad. I wasn’t scared. I was prepared, and sane. It worked perfectly. We talked for the longest time, and nothing that was said fazed me. I already knew it all and was quite ready to deal with it. I felt strong, and for once in control of my own emotions.

To steal lyrics from a very very apt song, U2’s Kite:

Something is about to give
I can feel it coming
I think I know what it means
I’m not afraid to die
I’m not afraid to live
And when I’m flat on my back
I hope to feel like I did

‘Cause hardness, it sets in
You need some protection
The thinner the skin

I’m a man, I’m not a child
A man who sees
The shadow behind your eyes

I want you to know
That you don’t need me anymore
I want you to know
You don’t need anyone, anything at all

Who’s to say when the wind will take you
Who’s to know what it is will break you
I don’t know which way the wind will blow
Who’s to know when the time’s come around
Don’t wanna see you cry
I know that this is not goodbye

Did I waste it?
Not so much I couldn’t taste it

Now, I’ve set some milestones along this journey out of this ambiguous mess. The first goal is rather simple. (To put down in words anyway. Achieving it is a whole different story.) The aim now is to separate my happiness (and state of mind in general) from her. Not separate her from my life – just attempt to prevent her from being the primary determinant of my state of mind. “Her” is fairly generic, and it includes “our state”, “her state in life”, “her actions”, “what she feels”, “what she feels toward me or other people”, “how she sounds and what she’s saying”, and things related.

I’ll leave you with the most important sentences anyone�s ever expressed to me. The moment I felt I had her, forever. The moment I wasn�t just her best friend anymore.

I need you implicitly
I trust you totally
I love you, and hey, it�s stamp marked forever

Now all I have to do is remember why we’re doing this. And why I have to be strong and attempt to forget how much we mean to each other. I have to. I really would like us to be “normal” parts of each others lives without all this chaos and nonsense causing so much confusion.

I don�t want or need it to be true to be very happy. I would really like it to be so to be even happier.

NP. U2 – All That You Can’t Leave Behind