actuality.log


Sunday, August the 3rd, 2003

I start typing this not knowing whether it’ll end up as a blog entry, an article once a place is made for such stuff on the rest of the site, a mail to someone who’d bother to read it, or all, which is most likely. I’d like to think of it as a rough draft that will eventually find its place somewhere on the site. It’s been in my head for most of my life, but I’ve never really attempted to articulate it before (Ok, that’s a lie, it’s just, not too public an articulation). This could have also been suitably time stamp modded and passed off as my blog entry on the day I flew to Houston, the events of the day being what forced the neural connections in my head to bring it to the front of my mind.

Anyway, coming down to the details, my seat on the plane was adjacent to these two “best friends”. It’s in quotations, not because I doubt they were, but because it’s a concept I cannot grasp. During this serving of “single serving friends” (A term I borrow from one of the funniest violent movies of all time, Fight Club), I was… in awe? captivated? and all that sort of thing over the way they communicated.

Before I proceed, on a side note, violent movies (actually any movie that’s not a happy happy romantic comedy, in general) suck (because if I need death, misery, sad stuff in general, the news will do just fine). Edward Norton and few others can warp the rules.

Returning to our central story after that little detour, these two really communicated. Finished each other’s sentences, found totally not funny things funny, just because it’s the other one that said it and stuff like that. I was like a little school girl seeing a Unicorn or something. I made small talk, occasionally, but was just mostly staring wide eyed. Now for people who don’t know me, I’m male. And just when you think, ha ha, loser, can’t get too much worse, it does, and fast. I am a geek. THE MOST deadly combination for social ineptness and extreme lack of communication skills. And there I was, watching these communication goddessess? do their thing. I noticed they spoke about real things. No details obscured, however intimate they may be. I’d give anything to experience that… again. It would be seriously wrong if I said at that moment I wished I were a girl. So I won’t say it. Yes, I probably have issues with being a male, among other things, but it’s not something I am just going to come out and say.

Am I saying I want to undergo major changes? No, not to the extent of painful operations and hormone replacement, definitely not. Am I saying I need a friend? No, that’s too general. Am I saying I need/miss a… significant other.. in the traditional sense of “girl friend”? Not really either. That’s great, but it’s not what I feel I need right now. Do I need someone to talk to? Yes, but I mean really talk talk. Has anybody noticed two men really talk talk? Women can. I’ve noticed them do it since like forever. I had just pushed it to the back of my head until this latest trip. Men, on the other hand, do stuff together. They can hang out, compete, whatever it is that men do together. It revolves around some activity and while it might be fun, it’s not what I am looking for. Hence, I’ve given up on men. I haven’t given up on SHE being the one to talk to.. only? That’s good enough, no it’s more than that. That’d be perfect, but it’s not looking too good for that any time soon is it? So am I saying what I really need is a good female friend? I guess so.

I’ve been alone for most of my life. Why did that change when I found, and am now probably losing, someone who just “gets me” without me having to really explain myself? What’s that movie, hmm… At First Sight? (Mira Sorvino, god she’s beautiful) where the blind guy gets sight and loses it. Well, I haven’t lost it yet, nor do I have to. Just, I can’t seem to bear the thought of it. No actually, I can. It’s just, it’d be better if that didn’t happen or at least have someone to talk to if/when I do. Having difficulty expressing stuff, any help, she (note, not they or he) can give you is most necessary.

If people were more… predictable, like simple systems, a quantum computer for instance. Life would be a lot less fun admittedly, but a lot easier. Give us folk with lesser (Ok, no) people skills a chance. Not for anything big, just a chance to say what’s on their mind, and know someone hmm.. this is complicated, someone who they want to care about it.. care about it.

Comprehending and rationalizing things going on around me is what I live for. Physics is the true goal. Math, computers are the tools. Where does needing someone to “get” me fit into the equation? I can’t answer that. Which is why this has been at the back of my mind as a mere thought wander, something less important.

Why is it so much easier to say something like this when you feel it’s some random person reading it as opposed to someone who really cares and can do something about it? Geeks, prefer a dead lifeless console to a face to face heart to heart. Being cold and emotionless and seeing the world in shades of grey is what I am used to. Sure, it’s one way of doing things. Sure it’s what I did for most of my time on this planet. It’s not too bad, and I am not too bad at it. It’s just, sometimes, it’s not good enough.

Sigh. Runs to a phone. (Ok, walks).

This is a printer-friendly version of the journal entry “I want it, just what is it?” from actuality.log. Visit http://emphaticallystatic.org/earlier/i-want-it-just-what-is-it/ to read the original entry and follow any responses to it.

One Response to “I want it, just what is it?”

  1. Harish says:

    For some strange reason people comment in their blogs and call them entries, like so.


1 people conned into wasting their bandwidth.