actuality.log


Friday, November the 7th, 2003

Ok, I’ve idled and tried to avoid this long enough, now to get back to.. documenting my days. I had this test yesterday and didn’t do entirely too well. I mean, I could see that it was extremely simple, for someone who’d prepared a bit. But not me. Oh no. I’m the one who’s above preparation and all that sort of jazz. What’s even worse, we were allowed to prepare this little sheet of notes to take into the hall, and I had decided earlier to go without one. Sheer brilliance. Half an hour before the test, I get a little tense and “prepared” this thing hurriedly on the bus ride there.

Needless to say it wasn’t entirely useful, or readable even.

What’s even more scary, every time I tried to get around to doing some work towards this the previous evening, I kept, I don’t know, I think it’s called wallowing in the past? or some such thing. Moments of “glory” related to previous exams and tests flashed, and I smiled (internally), and “realized” I could handle it, it’s me.

But no, obviously.

It’s like, I put in a lot of work at some points of life and then sort of “live off” that for as long as I can. My last real input was some time towards the end of high school? It’s payed off all this time. But I think it’s close to getting depleted (or already is).

It all makes sense now. That’s the reason for the rapid decline in efficiency in work as well. Things aren’t “magically obvious” anymore. I’ve tried to fight this sinking feeling while realizing I need to get my nose back to the grind stone.

Fish. It just all has to be obvious and come naturally, damn it.

But if there is a silver lining to any of this, I have been totally focused and been actually doing some real work since then. And there will be many more “tests”. Tests, bah!

And in all this confusion (and mild depression? I just hate admitting I don’t know, and having to work to know) I forgot one of the more interesting (well, more like pathetic, but interesting is the word I choose to use) events of the day. I met this person on the bus, again. The last time she happened to sit next to me, some 3 weeks ago, she’d just broken up with this person. The deal here is that this was her third break up, read been dumped, by the SAME person.

How do I know all this? Trust me, I didn’t really want to. She’s the one who went on and on to the nearest person who looked like (s)he’d listen, me. Of course, why would someone keep going back to someone who randomly decides to discard you when they feel like it? I don’t know. So anyway, on the other day, I guess she was (understandably) depressed, and it had dawned on her that she doesn’t need this any more? And weeee, lucky me had to be the one to hear her go on and on about her newly attained enlightenment.

It’s not like I don’t care about things, but random strangers? That’s a bit much. Needless to say, she looked totally fine today, and not a word was spoken, just the smile and nod. That’s all I need to hear.

In some unrelated site news, I realized the index of the main site has crossed 10,000 hits. Somehow, I’d assumed it’d be a more gratifying event.

And totally unrelated again, Adobe Reader, the fishing piece of software that it is, just randomly stopped running today. It’ll open and it’ll close. After 3 reboots and 20 occurrences of the event, I googled for a fix and found this. It fixed it, eventually. I mean, why should it be so brain dead?

And I hate to admit it, but this new found peace/focus/desire to actually do something, all related to a relatively simple recent realization, feels good. Which is strange because I rarely (never?) have positive feelings towards work.

Hmm…

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