Sunday, February the 29th, 2004

Looking back at the past pattern, you know the, HAPPY sad HAPPY sad HAPPY sad…., pattern, today I should be sad. But I am not really. We talked for the longest time today. And it wasn’t nearly as strained as it has been for a very long time. It felt quite good actually. I am able to separate need, want, understanding, fantasy. Life isn’t a whole lot more complicated than it has to be. I let mine become that way when emotion blurred the lines between these things. I needed today’s events so much. I am peaceful now. I’d say broken, but a peaceful broken. I am not fantasizing over events that probably wouldn’t have ever happened and letting it eat me knowing I “lost it”.

At some point you have to realize fantasy is all nice and good. But reality is where you live in, and more importantly, there is nothing preventing it from being a whole lot nicer than fantasy. I have fished around with lyrics enough. This just wouldn’t feel right without a dialogue from (easily one of the greatest movies of all time, yes all time, and no, your opinion does not count) High Fidelity. If by some anomaly you haven’t seen it, I pity you.

Rob: I’m tired of the fantasy, because it doesn’t really exist. and there are never really any surprises, and it never really…
Laura: Delivers?
Rob: Delivers. And I’m tired of it. And I’m tired of everything else for that matter. But I don’t ever seem to get tired of you, so….

Exactly. Any other dimension, any other universe, any other point in time, I will do the exact same things I’ve done. None of it was a “waste” of anything. If I “end up like this” then too, so be it. I am happy. I am I. I know exactly how much I need her and on what level I need her. And I know I have her forever on that level.

Starting tomorrow I am going to live real life a little. The small things. Meet people. Take walks. Smell the flowers. The small things. Things I have neglected to do in a very long time. I am getting a hair cut. I am contemplating exercise. I was considering swimming. I am going to compose. I am going to draw. I am going to sing.

I know it sounds as if I want to do a whole lot to prevent myself from spending every moment of my life thinking about her, or how to make her smile, or making something cute for her to giggle about, or worrying about how to help her fight her problems, or worrying about finishing work as soon as I can to maximize my time with her, or … . Then again, maybe I am to some extent. Maybe I need this for retention of sanity. Maybe I need this to actually taste some of the world outside. Not to make her feel any less important than she knows she means to me.

I repeat. I am going to live. I know it will be fun.

I know, my standards are easily met. Weee.. an exceptionally cute ladybird!

Update: I feel a tad guilty. I have to admit some of this has to do with responses to me reporting my rather huge strides at work.
“If this is true I’ll buy you coffee, tea, drinking chocolate, nougat, malt, etc. of your choice.”
It’s times like this when I wished I fancied warm beverages.

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6 Responses to “Life and all that”

  1. puli says:

    goodie :)

    PS: haircut! weee … I would love to see that happen.

  2. aegis says:

    your last post was way too narcissistic..

    but this one is a cutie

  3. Adi says:

    I liked High Fidelity. A similiar movie called ‘Igby Goes Down’ is good as well. Try it out.

  4. wahgnube says:

    Puli: I doubt it will really be too much of a haircut in a traditional sense. I was thinking more along the lines of getting it trimmed, getting it done, and that sort of thing.

    But anyway, we’ll see how it goes.

  5. wahgnube says:

    aegis: I’m sorry you feel that way.

    When the most important person in your life starts hinting that you probably aren’t (not in all the levels you thought you were in anyhow), it is quite a huge blow to a lot of things. Self esteem too. You feel scared, depressed, weak, undeserving… and generally pretty worthless. You feel a lot of other things too, but none of that is pertinent to this.

    I was trying my hardest to feel good about other aspects of my life. I was trying to remind myself there are other aspects of my life. And that some parts of it are going on according to plan. And that that should make me a bit happier.

    I’m sorry if my quest for some semblance of peace in my head seemed offensive. I think I needed that at the time.

  6. wahgnube says:

    Adi: That is a brilliant idea. Not just that movie, a movie. I will try to sit through an entire movie and try not to think about not entirely pleasant memories attached to movies. And I will keep doing so until I can do this.

    Now, for starters. On to listen to “Standing on the shoulders of giants” over and over, and in particular “Gas panic!”, till I get over issues with that too.

    This is absolutely brilliant. Thank you.

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