(Anywho, for those curious, it’s girlfriend and not friend. And they live together and not not live together.)
(I’ve started saying “why not” a lot after hanging out recently with a bunch of crazy ozzies who’d go about doing the most retarded things, usually after gettng drunk, by prefixing said activity with a “why not”. Though amusing being an observer, this should not be attempted at home.)
I’m just going to go ahead and say it. I mean, I am going to admit what is bothering me. It is so freaking multifaceted, I don’t even know where to start. For one, I look around, and most people I know are “happily settled”, or nearly there.
Just what do I mean by that? — I mean they have their fancy real jobs, the 6-figure salaries, the strong relationship with the hot member of opposite sex, the chic wardrobe, and all that sort of thing.
That’s it isn’t it? What we’re all striving for in some form or the other through whatever paths we’ve choosen? The quest to get to a point where we’re—in a “happily settled” sense—finally contented?
And then, I look in the mirror and see me. An aged, incomplete shell of person who hasn’t in any sense “made it”. No real job, no money, alone, not really all that intelligent or learned… you get the idea.
Of course, this gets worse, much worse.
I’m a pretty critical and judgmental person, and when I see people, I don’t see them, or where they are in life, but my idealization of where I presumed they’d be — extrapolating from what I saw in them as potential. This makes it suck so much more, because in my minds eye, I’m the “cool one” who should’ve made it. The exact same folk I’ve mocked and derided for being less intelligent, educated, or capable, are the ones who seem to be making it.
No fancy diplomas, no eons in fancy schools, no inherent-godlike-intelligence, they’re not even particularly fit or attractive, nothing. And yet they drive in that fancy car to that fancy home from that 42nd floor office with that hot woman in the passenger seat.
Finally, my absolute “fear of the real world” has resulted in taking refuge for eternity in school, further fuelling my social ineptitude. There is a clear difference between being a student, and defining your life around being a student. My attempt at escapism has resulted in me crossing that line a long time ago.
It’s strange how you need to be on a break and really far away from work to get a clear perspective on how much everyone’s grown, and how static you’ve been. You and your numerous diplomas in plaques.
Which returns us to the web log’s catchphrase — emphatically static.