I had an epiphany of sorts earlier today.
Because of the kind of lifestyle I lead (Read: “Being a loner…”), I often end up doing a lot of things on my own. These include anything from going out unaccompanied to dinner or the movies, to more extravagant things like solitary trips across the globe. While I often make it seem like this is the sort of life I actively chose for myself, anyone paying more than perfunctory attention will recognise that I am not always thrilled by the state of affairs; and that I am struggling without a handle on how to rectify the situation.
The problem for me, personally, rears its ugly head in a most unsavoury sort of way: unbridled infuriation. Let me try to explain what I mean by that. You see, while I’m out “enjoying” a quiet, delectable meal in a fancy place, I can’t help but look around and see all the happy-happy groups having a rip-roaring evening, or the couples sharing their intimate moments. While anyone who is comfortable with where they are in their lives would smile along delightedly at the merriment of it all, you have others—the cold, bitter others who feel denied the very basics of existence—who just get angrier and angrier on the inside. Their blood begins to boil at the slightest of things—the way she tosses her hair as she turns toward him—and before long, they’re not just bitter or angry anymore, they’re inconsolably wretched.
It doesn’t take a super-genius to figure out which camp yours truly belongs to. For as far back as I can remember (3 months ago?), my only response to such a situation has been, as I said earlier, unbridled infuriation. I begin to hate everything. I hate the situation, I hate my life, I hate the people who are having fun… everything. This gets so bad that I soon forget all that I do have, and how pleasant the current experience really is.
But wait, weren’t we talking about an epiphany of some sort?
I am thrilled to report that I noticed a subtle—but rather significant, at least to me—shift in my behaviour earlier today. Given that I had a ton of (mindless) work to do, which was probably going to keep me up through the night, I decided to tank up on the essentials: sugar, cheese and caffeine. As I was chowing down greedily on something sinfully-good, a small group—two couples, to be exact—chanced to occupy the table across from me. I won’t be describing the others for they don’t matter, nor did I even see them, but one amongst this group was a ravishingly intense woman wearing a tie-dye kurta top (Here’s a link for those who know not what I speak of.) which beautifully accentuated her delicate curves and an earthy, chunky necklace that underlined her slender neck. Yes, she was technically part of this group, but it was almost as if she really wasn’t there at all. The others were ignoring her for what seemed like the entire time, and her captivating eyes were roaming bored around the room as she was nibbling on her meal.
Bored, until her gaze met mine.