ATCGW*! or something like that.
If you haven’t already noticed, I’ve avoided a semi serious post here for a long time now. It’s not like I’ve been lazy, or that busy, or had nothing to say. It’s just, for all that talk about being calm, I am nowhere near it. Everything I’ve tried to put down over the past week or so has been hurtful and groping in the darkey for something I feel I really need, but don’t quite know how to get. So many tossing-turney inducing questions. Do I really dare to know? I’ve been avoiding posting any of it. I wasn’t being very nice.
I’ve had so much to say over various points of time in the recent past, but I just realized I have no one to say them to. Not having someone to listen to all this happening in my life is beginning to wear me out. It either stays bottled up and waiting to boil over while I’m outwardly calm, or avoided totally with cheesiness like taking pictures of my hair care products.
However little you know about me, there are certain aspects of my personality that are fairly obvious. I look for efficiency in things. While doing this, I also look for a reason for existence. Everything needs a reason for existence. I don’t quite know when it happened, but at some point, she became mine. Now that.. I cannot find a word.. It still exists, but has no right to. For the most part, I’ve slowed down, a lot. I don’t particularly care about anything anymore. I can’t even talk. Forming sentences is a pain now. Everything I say at points comes out blurred and stammery. I don’t see the point to any of this any more. It’s like, those weird computer games from the 80’s that have no point really. The levels just get harder and harder (by getting faster and faster or whatever), until they cross human response time tresholds, and you lose. There is no point, just to see how far you can go before you lose. Frickkin life.
I keep hearing on all these TV shows, (as the guy’s being dumped mostly) a (fairly standard) dialogue the woman gives relating to how much he inspires her. For a long time I had no clue what that really meant. I mean, you can be inspired, or uninspired, like me. I never realized a person could make me want to do so much more, or try so much harder. I want to do so much more because of how she makes me feel. I want to be so much more. I want to be better. Now it’s just so hard when your hands are tied behind your back. I’m not athletic. I can’t like win a trophy and dedicate it to her, or use my strength to win like this cute bear thing at a carnival. I can’t create some miracle drug that cures aids/cancer/eating disorder/.. and name it after her. I cannot a do a LOT. I want to, but I cannot. I can however, do the small thoughtful things that I know are cute. I can take a lot of time, use things at hand creatively and come up with something.. worthy.
I mean, I could, but now I cannot. She won’t hear of it. She goes, “no, I don’t want any of it anymore”.
You now see where the problems arise. A normal person might go, hmm, ok, let me just direct these impulses elsewhere. Let me, I don’t know, dress up as a clown and make my rounds making balloon animals for 3 year olds. I stopped.
I stopped that. And that’s not where I stopped. She wasn’t just some inspiration, she was a reason for existence. I stopped living (what little I did live anyway). I am reverting to a bare subsistence existing.
I stopped doing. Not with respect to her. Just stopped.
Again, for those not paying attention, if you haven’t noticed already, the cheesiness in past posts is related to this too.
It HAS TO BE EASIER THAN THIS. At least for someone like me. The lord of self control.
*LBB(?)T – Large block of boring(?) text.
*ATCGW – And the crowd goes wild.
NP. R.E.M – Green