What is it with me huh? I am the most rational guy I know. I am cold, calculated, sane. I am realistic. I am more than realistic, I am pessimistic. Where is there room for the heart? Where is there room for hanging on to threads of hope? Why the hell should the heart have a say when it is all so clear in my head? At what point did it start having a say? Why am I doing this to me? Am I happier hurting me? Do I relish pain? At what point of time did I change?
When did I start listening to what it was saying. All body parts have strict duties. The brain does the thinking, and the heart does what it does best, pump blood around my body. When did I forget that? What is this obsession with things that cannot be realized?
I spoke to her and was so calm. I had accepted eventualities. At first she was “drawn” to him. Now she’s “very drawn” to him. I doubt if it can be called love, but does that matter? My brain tells me “Now hear this, all body and soul, please remember you will always mean a whole lot to her. Her feelings or lack of for other people doesn’t discount what she feels toward you”. At which point I was extremely happy, and peaceful.
I honestly believed I was all fine. I believed we were good again.
And then it hits. A tidal wave of emotion. I hear bits and pieces of news. I hear from her she’s happy with him. I hear how I cannot do that anymore. It’s not always what I hear. It is how I hear it. How excited she is. How excited.. his actions makes her. I know I am not supposed to feel displaced. I know events don’t have to kick feelings to magically higher levels. I know all this. But they can. I cannot bear it now, when she is here to tell me over and over how much more important I am. Or how much more I mean to her. How will I take it when I finally have to face it someday? Listen you, he means more now, get over it.
I know her better than anyone ever can. I know more about her than anyone ever will. All of this works the other way too. We don’t even need to talk at points because it’s redundant. We just know what is in the other’s head. So much of what I hear from her now is she mirroring what I’ve told her over so long. We’ve felt one at points of time. I understand her life issues has me put in second place before I even started the race.
I know so much. I understand so much. I am not “losing” anything. We’re still the closest. I still matter a great deal to her. Why do I have to go through so much pain? How is it that my brain can tell me one thing, and the stupid heart decides it still has a googol unresolved feelings? Can’t it just get no means no? Can’t it realize she didn’t use me until the next best thing showed up? How can I even think that of her?
I wish I were fast enough to resolve this before he showed up. I wish I weren’t so far away.
If I were some romantic, none of this would be a bother. That would be how I saw and felt things. I am not. I am sane and rational.
What is it with rationality these days? What is it with me?