Disclaimer: What follows below is a bit more than a bit disturbing. At least for me it is. It gets down to levels of me questioning my own sanity. The information cannot and will not be used against me ever, like you’ve all agreed to, by being here in the first place. If it ever comes up, I was trying my hand at fiction, and that’s that. Mock me, judge me, pity me, do whatever you please. But if you have nothing positive to say, keep it to yourself. (Yes, I have more than enough difficulty dealing with and responding to the extremely large volume of comments and emails I get regarding what I say here.)
I’ve not felt so dull in a long time. My stomach’s been churning all day and my eyes are all teary. I haven’t really moved out of my bed, or gotten too much done. I just hate this feeling. The fact that I hadn’t eaten anything since last afternoon didn’t help either. The stupid sun setting at 4 and this cold and wet weather outside make things even more depressing. I am too drained to think about things any more. Events that’ve transpired, the way we’ve handled things, how it affects us, other possible ways things could have been – whirling round and round and round in my head until I can’t take it any more. I just fuse and lie there with this rotten feeling you get when you know you’re going to throw up. It’s just, sigh, it’s so much easier to destroy stuff than to build them. Now I feel, it’s almost ok to screw up when your decisions and idiosyncrasies don’t hurt other people. It’s totally not ok to cause pain just because you’re too clueless about the way the world works. Because you don’t see things the way people expect you to. Or scarier, you do and lack the communication skills to let them know. You can be clueless, insecure, insensitive, and all that in bits at different points in time. You just can’t be all that all the time.
(Random humour interspersed: (I need this here more than you can imagine) It’s like, you can be incompetent or lazy, but can’t be both.)
I wish, no, I know things have to change. I have to change. I don’t think I can (or people involved will) tolerate this extremely dumb (in all the things that really matter) bungling fool. All I ever wanted was to be able to smile and have people I care about smile.
That’s not being too greedy is it?
(Yes, it’s perfectly natural to be peaceful in the morning and sad in the evening and geeky and clueless the previous evening. And no, I don’t have any hormonal issues.)