Sunday, November the 23rd, 2003

Ahh yes, back at the uni and at my computer again. I doesn’t really bother me if you think me weird, but I feel a lot more comfortable doing this on my regular box. For some reason, I feel think more freely. Firstly, speaking of the uni, Michigan won some really important college football game against Ohio State. Now I am, obviously, not too interested in what’s going on, and some people might think that’s not good. But at least I think I am better off than deranged psycho fans doing whatever they want to because they can’t handle losing. (Actually I’ve heard and seen people generally get all violent either way, but let’s just say this set did what they did because they weren’t grown up enough to handle losing.) It’s just a fishing game. It has to be fun.

Now with that useless bit of triva+rant out of the way, I can’t believe the person I am, or have seemingly become anyway. I mean, there are all sorts of people in this world. They value what other people think of them and say to them in varying degree. I was, I assumed, never one of those people who cared too much. I’ve, for the most part been, “say and do whatever, I don’t give a damn”ey about everything and everyone around me in my life. But for a while I’ve been someone totally opposite. This is not, obviously, for everybody but to the one(s) that really matter to me. You’d think rational cold people can only handle certain levels of euphoria/depression roller coaster rides before they snap. You’d think they’ll eventually exhaust their resiliency pot and just, break. No. That’s not true. I never realized it, but I am so much more of an optimist, generally “knowing it’s always for the best”ey, and capable of hanging on to microfibrillar threads of hope than I give myself credit for.

I have, for the most part slipped quite considerably when it comes to all intellectual work related pursuits. It’s reaching levels I am sure will lead to permanent detrimental effects if not checked and corrected. I know all this. I see it. It doesn’t bother me. It’s because, deep down I know I can fix this any time I choose to. So many other things are beginning to bother me. I rocket between extreme states of happiness and sadness, only hoping the ride stops at its highest happy point. I go between feelings of “I don’t deserve this” to, beyond hoping, to “just knowing” things will work out.

I wonder what happened to the person whose mood for the day depended on the most mundane of things, like being directly proportional to the product of how hot his shower was and how long he was in there. Sigh. I just don’t want to break and become dead me again.

Of course, I couldn’t help noticing this song playing as I was writing this. I love it. Here are some (extremely modded) lyrics:

7 am

The garbage truck beeps as it backs up
and I start my day thinking about what I’ve thrown away.
Could I push rewind? All the credits traverse signifying the end
but I missed the best part, could we please go back to the start?

Forgive my indecision.

Then again, then again, then again I’m always there when no one’s on your side.

11 am

By now you would think that I would be up
but my bed sheets shade the heated choices I made
What did I find? I never thought I could want someone so much
cause now you’re not here and I’m knee deep in my own fear

Forgive my indecision, I am only a man.

Then again, then again, then again I’m always there when no one’s on your side.

12 pm and my dusty telephone rings.
Heavy head up from my pillow, who could it be?
I hope its you.

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