Saturday, April the 1st, 2006

Alice is one fat fuck. You know the kinds; the morbidly chubby chick who’s unfortunately too “comfortable with her own body”? No matter how much people tend to avoid her, she’s always there. At every event, at every party; wanting to be the centre of attention, right in the centre of every activity—and the centre of every one of Jack‘s pictures intended to be of the beautiful people; ruining them. She’s bubbly, giggly and repugnantly confident, but no one gives a fuck; she’s just not aesthetically pleasing to be around.

No one, except Jack.

Though he too is often embarrassed by being seen out in public with her, Jack has spent a lot of time putting up with Alice. He doesn’t fancy her in the least, but he’s superficially very nice to her. He accompanies her for things when everyone else turns her down. He doesn’t laugh about her bulging body; at least not right in front of her face. He doesn’t turn away when she begins her incoherently-excited ramblings about one uninteresting topic or another. No. He plays the perfect gentleman. He’s patient, kind and treats her like she deems she deserves to be.

The only reason Jack does this, is that Alice is good friends with Jenny. You must know Jenny; the long-legged, doe-eyed, perfectly-proportioned goddess? The one with the smile so warm she could melt a glacier or three? You know, the smart, sensitive, adorable little thing who has an intelligent, thoughtful thing to say about everything? The woman whose effortless talent and creativity often leaves everyone in the room awestruck?

Yes, that Jenny.

Now, everyone is nice to Jenny. It’s not such a big deal—I mean, just her presence will make you want to win the world for her—and I’m sure she’s more than used to it. As Jack often tends to misstep, he calculated that being nice to Alice instead was a brilliant way of impressing everyone; especially Jenny. It was the perfect plan in Jack’s mind. Alice would adore him for who he was to her, and the bubbly fatty would surely keep harping about it to Jenny, wouldn’t she?

I mean, they are friends right? Isn’t that what all women always do when Jack isn’t around?

As it turns out, no. They most certainly do not.

Somewhere along this debacle, Jack begins to realise that Alice doesn’t advertise one bit of the going-ons to Jenny. She just sits there, the dumb-fuck that she is, basking in the glow of not being ignored. His calculated niceness has no bearing on Jenny’s feelings toward him. What’s worse, Jack’s now stuck with the fat fuck who genuinely believes he sees her “true inner beauty.”

Is it even remotely surprising that Jack soon breaks Alice’s heart? How many Alices will it take before Jack realises that the only path to nabbing a Jenny doesn’t involve any middle(wo)men?

This is a printer-friendly version of the journal entry “On Jack’s ruined karma” from actuality.log. Visit to read the original entry and follow any responses to it.

6 Responses to “On Jack’s ruined karma”

  1. pUl| says:

    I believe this[1] gentleman might just have all the answers to several such questions.


  2. J says:

    Why call it ‘ruined karma’?

  3. pundit says:

    pUl|: Considering Jack is exceptionally linguistically biased, and hasn’t seen a Hindi movie in his life, I doubt he’ll listen to what some Hindi movie director has to say about anything.

  4. pundit says:

    J: It was supposed to be me painting an evil Jack (I thought what was described was the epitome of evil), and hence the reference to his ruined karma.

  5. pundit says:

    To both of you and the others who e-mailed: This post was something I just threw in there for April fool’s day. (Before you go, “but that sucked, you haven’t a clue how that’s done right,” recognise that I have done some cool ones in the past. We can’t always be awesome.) I was expecting people to be taken aback by the content and language in this post, and generally be flamed. The concept clearly sucked, or the delivery, or both.

    I mean, instead of painting our protagonist as, well, a protagonist, I thought making him out to be all-evil will ruffle some feathers. Instead, I ended up getting almost sympathetic, understanding and “oh, me too” e-mails. Ah well. Anyway, if you were one of the three people who were offended and were preparing to send me some heated response, please calm down. Jack didn’t do this, and isn’t evil at all.

    There are Alices in Jack’s life. But he puts up with them because, honestly, they are fun. They are not used on-road to Jennys.

  6. pUl| says:

    Hey, I fared better this time around ;)

    PS: Unrelated, but I guess your choice of the T60P over the MBP has saved you from more agony.

8,709,037 people conned into wasting their bandwidth.