Month: October 2003

Fridays are usually sleep-in days. Not today though. For no real reason I was up at 4:30 A.M or so. Did I go to sleep early early last night? I have no idea. Anyway, spent quite some time at home catching up on some much needed cleaning stuff. It’s strange, it’s not like the roomies keep things “not neat” or any such thing. It’s just, if you walk into a squeaky clean home, and you aren’t responsible, it just means that roomies are having guests.

Am I the only one who cleans/arranges things because I like things that way? I mean, if these people didn’t have anybody else to, I wouldn’t use the word impress, just “not scare” away? would they even do their occasional bit? It’s a scary thought, but it’s not like it matters, as long as things get done at regular intervals.

Finally, after all this time harping on all these things they do that irk me to varying degree, I finally found one thing I did that bothered them. So, evidently, I not perfect be. Now, our answering machine is this arcane thing, and only I took the time to figure out how to work it. And I, don’t really care for the phone. I can only stand a) face to face communication or b) something like email that’s supposedly at the other end of the spectrum. I don’t know what it is about the phone. It’s like it takes away some necessary input you need to figure out what the other person “really means”, which is obvious when you’re talking to them face to face, and it also takes away this “think before you respond” period that email and such gives you, which sort of makes up for the “you didn’t really know what they really meant”, because you can plan and come up with something quite PC either way.

Bah, totally sidetracked. Returning to our central story, since I am not a frequent user of the phone, I figured no one else really cared for it as well. And the response on the answering machine I set was vaguely similar to “We aren’t near the phone right now, or are probably doing something more important. Leave a message l_o_n_g_p_a_u_s_e, if it’s terribly important, and we’ll get back to you l_o_n_g_p_a_u_s_e, if we think it is.”

Apparently people calling in don’t have a sense of humor, as they bugged the roomies until they bugged me to change it to something totally mundane. Moral of the story being, I can totally do stuff that bothers people around me too.

I think I’ve lost my glasses on the way to work today. My stupidity of course, and these were the functioning pair. As I was leaving, I picked up a cap hat, but then decided not to mess a half decent hair day and decided to carry it with me? Then I picked up my glasses, and instead of wearing them like normal people, I placed it in my hat which I was using like this pouch? Ok, so that was weird and stupid.

I reach work, and my glasses aren’t in the hat. Must have fallen somewhere along the way. Hmm… Unless, I imagined all of this and never really picked up my glasses in the first place, which is very likely too. I tend to not notice things/remember them if I do.

But the damage to my eyes shouldn’t be too severe, as, in a surprising? turn of events, the big tv in the hall spontaneously stopped working. I mean, it just failed. Must have been some power fluctuation or some such, or just age. It’s back to the little thingy again. No, I don’t know enough to even attempt to fix anything, and am too lazy (not strong enough?) to actually lift it and throw it out.

And coming to more pleasant surprises, remember this person who went missing? She’s back. She’s fine. And now a redhead :). And last night, on Insomniac, most streets Dave went to seemed awfully familiar? Yes people, Albuquerque doesn’t seem like a very large place. That and I guess cause he was walking mostly around the Hyatt? I’m pretty sure I spelt it wrong, again.

You know it’s time for a haircut.

When that’s not a picture of the back of your head.

Update: For those who don’t get it, it’s my “face”. Not the back of someone else’s head.

Today was quite decent. Got quite a bit of stuff done, for a change. And just as things are beginning to fall out of out of place, everyone’s favorite phenomenon is setting in again.

But I don’t mind. This intense need to do other random things is an inherent indicator that I am ok with the way the extremely important things are going along. I think. And anyway, I care about these other issues just as much. Or so I have to tell myself to justify slacking off.

With all this RIAA suing 12 year olds, MPAA attempting to warn innocent people, SCO vs GNU/Linux (and the rest of the sane world) and other such related madness, I’ve decided to make even bigger concrete steps towards a world where I use only freely available stuff. And I mean, free, as in speech. Most people who know the geeky me realize that I am a long time user, advocate and “attempt to shove down your throat whether you like it or not”er of Free Software. It is an important part of who I’ve become over time and now more of a religious rather than technical issue.

People like to share things. If you’re done reading this great book, and someone expresses interest in reading it, you give it to her. If the lady next door would like to know your recipe for chocolate eclair cake, you write it down for her. That’s an entirely natural sequence of events, the way things are supposed to be. If someone asks her for it in turn, she gives it to them, with her changes, as she’s most defintely made some. If you happen to actually like the music your obnoxious and loud neighbour’s playing, you ask him and he gives you a copy.

(This same logic can be applied to almost everything. Information is most useful to a maximum number of people if shared freely. Media reaches most people and artists get their ideas and whatever they wish to convey to the largest audience if it is shared freely. The same goes for software, as the more open the ideas and implementation, the more places it ends up at and more people end up benefiting.)

What is entirely unnatural however is me going, umm no. I read that recipe from this book copyrighted by blah person in blah year, and hence me giving you the recipe is a) Illegal b) Causing her to starve because no one is buying her book. Just as important, you also, as a result, won’t get to know any of my small (I feel enhancing) changes.

That’s just inherently not right.

I have had tons of arguments with people who are and/or will be writing software for a living about this, so I don’t plan to go down that road again, right now. Today, I decided to focus on something that’s as or even more important to me, music.

I’ve been doing a bit of snooping around to find places where music can be downloaded (in Ogg Vorbis, MP3 and other formats) or streamed freely. And legally. Here are some of the places.

For starters, please try Irate.

(Personal Favourites – Winamp’s Listening Party. When the band’s good. Like now, it’s REM. I have to warn you it’s highly addictive and you’ll most probably, if you are weak like me, end up buying the album. And Emusic, which is not free, as in cost.)

http://www.epitonic.com/
http://www.vorbis.com/music_links/
http://www.mp3.com/
http://www.peoplesound.com/

And suddenly, I’ve decided it’s a better idea (and easier for now) to maintain a meta list. I will try these sites slowly and move ones I find useful to my own list.

http://www.kuro5hin.org/story/2003/10/22/02551/056
http://www.kuro5hin.org/story/2003/9/5/05113/70314
http://www.goingware.com/tips/legal-downloads.html

And even more suddenly, I decided to stop. This needs a lot more work/sorting to be moderately useful.

Sure, this is a very preliminary (and clearly not very useful) list but it should grow/improve steadily with time. Even faster if you help.

And sure, you won’t probably find the big-big name label backed “music stars”. But I don’t think that’s an issue really. These “stars” aren’t any better than most of the other insanely talented people out there. They just happened to get huge marketing behind them.

And on a sinister(er) note, I hope such non-backing of such “mainstream stars” will eventually lead to their demise.

*Pinky to my nose*
Muahaha. Muahahahahahaah. MUAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAAH.

You’re a meanie, you don’t care whether the poor artists eat.
No, I do care. And there are tons of ways they can more than support themselves.

I left work and got home in the afternoon today. I wasn’t getting anything terribly important accomplished anyway. Something’s off. Something’s been wrong/off since last summer. I remember being extremely productive when I first got here last year. Overloaded on classes, started intellectual work, helping professors out by subbing for them when they couldn’t make it to classes, and a lot of other things. My life was a lot more packed than it had to be, but think I handled it quite well and had fun, while learning a lot. I maintained this level of enthusiasm and efficiency for a couple of terms.

For a while, everything was good. Everything was as it should have been.

Then came summer, the first “off term” I’ve experienced. Suddenly all of that went away, and I had all the time in the world. Now, this is probably a good thing for people who have things to do, but for people like me, it totally isn’t. Apart from doing (or not doing, based on how hard it was) regular research, I had little else to do. I was forced to slow down, to idle. Now work is, expectedly, hard and complicated stuff. And you just can’t spend all your time doing it. It’s even harder when you have little else to take your mind of it and relax. I guess that’s where the Deutsche classes and photography kicked in, but still, they weren’t the same as the previous state of “not having any time, let alone having to worry about what to do with it”.

Few month’s later, it’s midway through the fall term. And I’m unable to make that switch back. I’ve tried overloading myself with classes. Didn’t work, I slowly stopped going to them until I backed off to the “comfortable levels” normal people are at. Work is, obviously, even more complicated, but I can’t do too much about it because I am not able to bring myself to a state of actually being able to sit down for hours on end and stare at things figuring things out.

I’ve even tried the few days break thing. Where I just go away or something and do nothing related to uni stuff for a while. Just hoping I’ll be all rejuvenated and fresh when I get back. Not happening, I am still in the same state.

It’s like, the mental analog of, I don’t know, a marathon runner after a big race? No, more like a regular person after a large marathon where he got so dehydrated, he permanently damaged vital organs?

(I also realize this is probably the reason for my horribly lowered threshold for bearing incompetent nonsense from other people. I’ve been impatient and lashing out more often. I could say I’m sorry, but no, I won’t. I’m not. I was just able to deal with a lot more when I was at a better place. Inherently, you were being stupid, intruding and inconsiderate of my time.)

That’s not important; I just need to get myself out of this slump. I want to be the me I like being. The person who’s too lazy to get things done. (But could, if he wanted.)

Not this other guy who’s just too weak to get things done.

Yes, that’s like the only way I can describe last evening. Reached home rather earlyish just to find all sorts of nonsense on TV. But then again, no fear, for there’s always the staple Comedy Central.

Ended up watching Say it isn’t so, fully. It was very funny, at times. It’s just, the things they made fun of weren’t entirely easily “make fun of and get away with”able. It was like a bad copy of There’s something about Mary. Not the story, the tone. But I really liked it.

Which is scary, because again, I’m sure it has more than a little to do with her. Like, for instance, I honestly believe Bowfinger is one of the funniest movies I’ve ever seen. It’s way up there along with the real classics, like My cousin Vinny and Young Frankenstein.

Anyway, returning to last evening, interspersed during the commericial breaks, I happened to catch scenes from The One. Yes it’s pretty funny to see random south east asian martial arts guru types fly around and fight with themselves (for a few 30s bursts, only).

Moving along to mundanely choresy stuff, like checking mail (of the “you can touch” kinds), I found my brand new Animatrix and Matrix:Reloaded DVDs. Being a geek, you have to get these and study the movies before Matrix:Revolutions is released? Why? Because that’s what good geeks do. And it’s real fun to go through plot and storylines in extreme detail and talk about it for hours on end with other people who also know it’s not just a sci-fi flick. Of course, fun is relative.

So now that I had them, I had to watch them right? So I did. All 9 Animatrix episodes, and Reloaded, again. And I had fun. And quite strangely, I don’t really remember when I went to sleep.

Been reading up some more on my “psychological profile”. What can I say? They’ve all hit the nail on the head by classifying me as a rational idealist who doesn’t give a damn about conforming to what’s “normal” and outwardly cold about everything yet hypersensitive to things that people who “matter to me” say. And everything else so far has been spot on too, except, some places say we’re usually slim and males have short hair.

Slim, with short hair, HAH! I wish. No, I don’t actually. I almost like having longish hair. The other day, in the bus, this woman behind me was going on and on about her “hair appointment” some 3 weeks away and how she has to plan all sorts of obscure things related to that.

I was like, yeah right, big deal, she’s obviously taking this waay too seriously and has too much time on her hands. Until I turned round and saw her hair. God I wish I could have her hair. Yes, I am comfortable enough with my masculinity. And yes, I’ve drunk from Powerpuff Girls cups.

And yay, my legions of “I will bug you till you cry”ers have dropped from 4 to 2. And the other two have toned down on their “I will bug you”isms a good deal.

It feels good. And I’ve been productive(r).

Talking about work, first I hear things like this. And then I hear things like:

Prof: It’s actually quite remarkable you arrived at this conclusion on your own.

Now I’m happily confused?

It got cold and dark outside in like 30s and very early. It was very weird. And not worrying about the “rate of darkening” for a bit, I looked at the time, and it’s like 5 : 00. I then remembered I’m in some “not entirely intelligent” place where the people change THE TIME every once in a while.

Sheesh.

And I hate Sodipodi, for no real reason. Maybe it’s the funky language in which (I assume) Sodipodi is written on the top of that webpage. Maybe because it’s called “Sodipodi”. Maybe because it’s freaking unintuitive (read doesn’t have the same GUI as the GIMP)? (All hail Sven’s new svg import patch) Maybe because it’s got a freaky looking squirrel? as a logo.

Shudder.

(Actually the real reason is I have no drawing skills, but that’s something I am not going to admit.)

Read this scary article on BBC about “Flyblogging”. I’ve been a victim of what’s being mentioned a few times. The one I’ve linked to is one of the few remaining at the moment. Idiots. I demand no one anywhere buy any products even related to the ones mentioned for their violating my(our) safe haven(s).

And this should be some sort of record on maximum number of absolutely unrelated random thoughts forced into one post. My brain’s obviously more than a tad muddled at the moment.

I don’t think I am going to stop reading up on this for a bit. Some more pages resulted in stuff like so:

As mates, INTJs want harmony and order in the home and in relationships. They are the most independent of all types. They will trust their intuitions about others when making choices of friends and mates, even in the face of contradictory evidence and pressures applied by others. The emotions of an INTJ are hard to read, and neither male nor female INTJ is apt to express emotional reactions. At times, both will seem cold, reserved, and unresponsive, while in fact INTJs are almost hypersensitive to signals of rejection from those for whom they care. In social situations, INTJs may also be unresponsive and may neglect to observe small rituals designed to put others at their ease. For example, INTJs may communicate that time is wasted if used for idle dialogue, and thus people receive a sense of hurry from an INTJ which is not always intended. In their interpersonal relationships, INTJs are usually better in a working situation than in recreational situations. They do not enjoy physical contact except with a chosen few.

Their gait is somewhat unsure, wavering slightly. Sometimes it seems like they are not sure where they are going. This becomes more obvious in moments of excitement. Their clothes are not usually very striking. INTJs do not like to attract excessive attention to themselves and most of the time they stick to simple clothes, often wearing the same style and composition for a long time.

INTJs usually have an interest that stays with them for a long time and are absolutely indifferent to what others say about it. They never endorse their position in life. INTJs live in a world of their own conception. They simply ignore rules, concepts and directives that do not suit them. Most people do not understand INTJs and try to keep away from them.

Ok, I guess I will stop pasting stuff that’s seemingly random. But it’s SO NOT. Can’t you see?

This weekend was good. Ran away from home and relaxed myself, maybe a bit too much. In this idling time, I happened to come across these tests. Now this wasn’t a particularly insightful thing, or so I thought, in that the tests pretty much go, “Are you a geek?” Yes/No, some 300 times, and then tell you what you already knew.

Or so I thought. This whole blog was planned to mock the very nature of this test. Until I read this teeny line in the bottom of my results.

For more info on your Myers Briggs type click here.

A google search. The FIRST hit was this place. Now I am proclaiming the true glory of the people who’ve planned and interpret the results of this test. Why? Because they’re insanely, awesomely, accurate.

Cut and paste some most all of the text.

To outsiders, INTJs may appear to project an aura of “definiteness”, of self-confidence. This self-confidence, sometimes mistaken for simple arrogance by the less decisive, is actually of a very specific rather than a general nature; its source lies in the specialized knowledge systems that most INTJs start building at an early age. When it comes to their own areas of expertise — and INTJs can have several — they will be able to tell you almost immediately whether or not they can help you, and if so, how. INTJs know what they know, and perhaps still more importantly, they know what they don’t know.

INTJs are perfectionists, with a seemingly endless capacity for improving upon anything that takes their interest. What prevents them from becoming chronically bogged down in this pursuit of perfection is the pragmatism so characteristic of the type: INTJs apply (often ruthlessly) the criterion “Does it work?” to everything from their own research efforts to the prevailing social norms. This in turn produces an unusual independence of mind, freeing the INTJ from the constraints of authority, convention, or sentiment for its own sake.

INTJs are known as the “Systems Builders” of the types, perhaps in part because they possess the unusual trait combination of imagination and reliability. Whatever system an INTJ happens to be working on is for them the equivalent of a moral cause to an INFJ; both perfectionism and disregard for authority may come into play, as INTJs can be unsparing of both themselves and the others on the project. Anyone considered to be “slacking,” including superiors, will lose their respect — and will generally be made aware of this; INTJs have also been known to take it upon themselves to implement critical decisions without consulting their supervisors or co-workers. On the other hand, they do tend to be scrupulous and even-handed about recognizing the individual contributions that have gone into a project, and have a gift for seizing opportunities which others might not even notice.

In the broadest terms, what INTJs “do” tends to be what they “know”. Typical INTJ career choices are in the sciences and engineering, but they can be found wherever a combination of intellect and incisiveness are required (e.g., law, some areas of academia). INTJs can rise to management positions when they are willing to invest time in marketing their abilities as well as enhancing them, and (whether for the sake of ambition or the desire for privacy) many also find it useful to learn to simulate some degree of surface conformism in order to mask their inherent unconventionality.

Personal relationships, particularly romantic ones, can be the INTJ’s Achilles heel. While they are capable of caring deeply for others (usually a select few), and are willing to spend a great deal of time and effort on a relationship, the knowledge and self-confidence that make them so successful in other areas can suddenly abandon or mislead them in interpersonal situations.

This happens in part because many INTJs do not readily grasp the social rituals; for instance, they tend to have little patience and less understanding of such things as small talk and flirtation (which most types consider half the fun of a relationship). To complicate matters, INTJs are usually extremely private people, and can often be naturally impassive as well, which makes them easy to misread and misunderstand. Perhaps the most fundamental problem, however, is that INTJs really want people to make sense. :) ) This sometimes results in a peculiar naivete’, paralleling that of many Fs — only instead of expecting inexhaustible affection and empathy from a romantic relationship, the INTJ will expect inexhaustible reasonability and directness.

Probably the strongest INTJ assets in the interpersonal area are their intuitive abilities and their willingness to “work at” a relationship. Although as Ts they do not always have the kind of natural empathy that many Fs do, the Intuitive function can often act as a good substitute by synthesizing the probable meanings behind such things as tone of voice, turn of phrase, and facial expression. This ability can then be honed and directed by consistent, repeated efforts to understand and support those they care about, and those relationships which ultimately do become established with an INTJ tend to be characterized by their robustness, stability, and good communications.

Thus INTJs sweat the details or, at times, omit them. “I’ve made up my mind, don’t confuse me with the facts” could well have been said by an INTJ on a mission.

OH MY GOD! Sniff. Sniff. No, it’s a cold. I am not in tears. I’ve got a COLD and my eyes water.

Last night, I was smiling so much. After the usual overdose of Dew, and indewsing insomnia, I foolishly tried to sleep earlyish. There was, I think this big party or some such thing at the home upstairs, I don’t know. They’re usually very quiet, except for the occasional muffled invisible kids treating a bed as a trampoline noises. Anyway, this noise didn’t help, and I was back up at my computer.

Which turned out to be the best thing that’s happened to me in a while :). Anyway, amongst a lot of things, I began thinking about my music tastes. And this was one of the tangential thought flows that resulted.

Is it wrong that I have always had a bit of a soft spot for music from All Saints? Now I can’t even link to a site because they’re apparently so unimportant their official site’s dead.

Is it wrong that I especially like Black Coffee? Or that Pure Shores was the only reason I endured the pain that is The Beach?

Is it wrong that their music could mostly be classified as dancey popish and yet I actively chose not to not listen to it?

Is it wrong that she’s probably got a lot more to do with my opinions than I plan to admit?

No it totally isn’t? I didn’t think so either.

I really am curious. Just how do you deal with these people who, for some disturbed reason, have this intense need to know what you do and more importantly, why you do things a certain way?

My current tally is somewhere around 4. And they annoy the hell out of me. Get it through your thick skulls. I am just a normal person. Sub normal in most regards. What I do is of no concern to me even, let alone you. Why I do it a certain way is not important or profound or something worth your while to analyze and attempt to figure out. It really isn’t. More importantly, I do what I do the way I want to do it. I know it’s right. I don’t care if you see it. I don’t need to justify anything to you or anybody else.

And they bother me on so many levels, because magically, it’s this same group of people who’ve, again, for some bizarre reason, made up their mind that I know more than they do. I DON’T, damn it. I have not been magically presented with more know how about the workings of our weird and wondrous universe. And even if I have, I definitely haven’t been presented with the patience to share it all.

I sit all day in some corner talking to no one and I am totally fine with it. Then, someone say calls, and I’m like, yay, a nice break. But it isn’t. It’s some fishing moron who doesn’t know how to work something or some such nonsense. Yes, at 3 A.M, my primary concern is solving your homework.

I mean come on.

I partially blame these people for my lack of real productivity. Because, let’s face it, for all the anger that it isn’t some “friendly conversation” and random idiots are trying to get me to do things for them, I am genuinely interested in what they are talking about. And I can’t stop myself. I stop doing whatever it is that I am up at 3 A.M for and trouble shoot something that is of no real concern or benefit to me.

That’s the whole thing. Helping someone else at some ungodly hour while I fail to meet a deadline on an assignment the next day is not fun. It’s not personal, yet I begin to really detest these people. Once in a while, it is fine. Because, I say this to stroke my ego, I do know a lot more about certain things than these simpletons do. But if coming for help is the only reason you want to talk to me, I’d rather not talk to you.

And why this is unnecessarily coupled with the other problem, I don’t know. It’d be kinda cool to have non-annoying fans.

I idolize people. I try to observe/read up on their major moves in life and why they made them. I read their work and respect them. If they say or do something that I don’t get, I make an effort to try to think before I call or shoot of an email.

If I can’t get something to work, I read a fishing manual. I google for documentation. I get on mailing lists and read up archives. I get on IRC and ask friendly people if they know what to do. I try to figure it out myself.

What I don’t do is bug an already overworked developer with a stupid question, in a “you’re obligated to help me” tone. No, they aren’t. Nor am I to you. We do things for fun. Sometimes it’s fun to help. We do. When it isn’t, we won’t. More importantly I am evil and choose to stop when I don’t see personal benefits after a point. Have I ever asked you questions on how to do things? Over and over again without giving a rodent’s posterior as to what the answer is? If I have, you aren’t in this group. I am in a similar group you’ve made up in your head. I am sorry, I totally know how I make you feel.

On top of this nonsense, I have to deal with crap like. Oh, you can’t even convince me why you do blah in a certain blah way. I direct whatever you’re saying to /dev/null.

(For the less technologically inclined (read normal people with lives), this is vaguely equivalent to something as irritating as “talk to the hand”.)

So, back up. Beep beep beep. Now you’re the one who asked me why. I freaking take the time (again, I don’t know why) to actually try to explain my actions. Least you can do is listen to me.

The “talk to the hand” stuff is fine if some random airhead says something on his(her) own accord to you. I don’t ask you a question you don’t have the least need to answer, and say something stupid like “talk to the hand” midway during the answer. It’s more annoying than you might realize.

Something vaguely similar got blown way out of proportion with this one person, and I haven’t communicated with her since. I am happier.

And yes, I know this is more than vaguely related to not having too many people to talk to. When I do, I’d like to talk talk. Share stuff. Have fun. Share ideas and information. Learn something. Laugh a bit.

Not do your work.

The university news paper rocks on Thursday. It totally does, and as a result, is the only day of the week I read it these days. It’s not the paper, it’s the entertainment supplement. Where they mock and rip everything to shreds. Dude A spends 27 million and 4 years of hard work to get something done, and dude B spends 30 seconds writing this stupid piece that totally mocks it to oblivion. Totally awesome.

Anyway, today was oddly different. It rocked, mostly, but still sucked. There were FOUR articles on Kill Bill. Three were all “It owns you all and you will see it, twice”, and one was all “Oh my god, not another movie from this madman”.

Guess which were the male reviewers and which was female. And seriously, guess which three I want to grow up/get a brain/…

Getting to “work”. You know, it’s funnily scary when conversations are like so:

Prof A: And you do what exactly?
Me: Umm, not much really. I just
Prof B: Oh, just sit there and drain the grant

Sure, these weren’t the exact words. And sure, it was not meant entirely seriously and the overall tone was humorous, but still, it gets you thinking. It is hard when the rest of the world measures productivity by how much you get done, and when you base it on how much you’re learning. I have got to learn to bridge these two, before, you know, something not entirely nice happens.

Thinking about this a little, I thought I could make some quantum leap in progress by reading up some stuff. I then realized I’ve never learnt anything from reading. I’ve either been told stuff, or I’ve figured it out myself. Point being, I’ve either known, or not known. And the only way I’ve crossed that gap is if I was insanely curious, or someone held my hand. I need to be able make that leap for things that don’t drive me as much too.

Moving on to scarier things, I’ve been forgetting faces. It’s so embarrasing. I don’t remember names or things like that, but I never usually forget people I’ve met. Granted, it’s cause I don’t meet too many people. It’s normally me (getting embarrased again) who smiles/greets/starts conversations with people who I know I’ve met, and they don’t have a clue.

Today, I ran into two people, at different times. The first guy was all “Hi, how’re you?” and what not. And I am giving him the cold “What the fish do you want from me” stare. And he’s all, (I think a little offended/scared?) “Oh, me, remember you met me with that other person?”. I’m like, “Oh yes, I’m so sorry, I do”.

I suck.

If that wasn’t bad enough, in the evening again, this lady in a store, “Hey, you’re in engineering aren’t you?”. I’m like, “Umm, yes and you are?”…

I suck.

But then again, you never know. They might really be random people. This annoyed the hell out of me when I first got here. Geeks need to make an effort to be all social, and geeks don’t tend to waste energy. Like Ed Helms, from New York, observed—People in Ann Arbor are just too darn friendly. Like this person walked up to him and greeted him, and he’s all “What the fish do you want?” and stabbed her.

He was kidding, I hope.

Disclaimer: What follows below is a bit more than a bit disturbing. At least for me it is. It gets down to levels of me questioning my own sanity. The information cannot and will not be used against me ever, like you’ve all agreed to, by being here in the first place. If it ever comes up, I was trying my hand at fiction, and that’s that. Mock me, judge me, pity me, do whatever you please. But if you have nothing positive to say, keep it to yourself. (Yes, I have more than enough difficulty dealing with and responding to the extremely large volume of comments and emails I get regarding what I say here.)

I’m typing this outside in the cold somewhere. I have to. I need to try to get this down in words before I lose it, though I think I already have. It’s happened twice today already, and it’s not even ten in the morning.

It’s this extreme rush of emotion. More explicitly, this sort of overwhelming mix of sadness, fear, helplessness… . My stomach’s all curled up and I’ve just decided to stop here for a breath of air. It’s a pain so strong you get sick in your stomach. Yet your eyes and other senses are overloading you with information from the surroundings going overboard attempting to inform you all is normal, and all is well. Yet you just want to curl up in a foetal position and wait for it to pass. It’s not always scary or painful or necessarily negative. It is just intense, much more than normal, and has no real event or reason attached to the feeling. I am almost sure there isn’t even a real reason for feeling any of what I felt a few minutes ago.

It must be lack of sleep. I think the brain uses this time to sort of rearrange things in a way it feels most comfortable with. When you deprive it a few days worth of sort time, it will start doing it when you are awake. There is feeling, without an event attached. Then slowly, the event starts to form in a vague blur as the feeling gets more intense.

(To put things vaguely in perspective, think of falling into the deep end of a pool and not knowing how to swim. You will realize what sort of pain/fear mix I am talking about. I think.)

By this time I’ve just stopped and almost waiting for it to play out, because I have this intense urge to know what it is that’s affecting me so strongly. I am just sitting there, almost willing and trying to force it to make itself clear, though the feelings are getting unbearable. But, just as it begins to form, there is this equally strong rational side that’s constantly informing and attempting to kill it, on the basis that the event isn’t real. This has happened before, and lack of sleep has not had anything to do about it. It’s just, movie after movie after book after book after game after game? When you are in a semi sleep mode or dreamy state or just plain letting your brain run wild, you begin to lose a sense of what is real and what isn’t.

I almost know it is this. Through all that hyperventilating and stomach churning so much, you think you�re going to puke, I tend to try to recognize some parts of the blur, and it’s clear they aren’t associated with events or things that are clearly related to my life. That’s the realization that kills the feeling, before it’s too strong to bear.

I am not making any sense right now and I know it. And it’s passed; there is nothing I can say right now that can capture it, as it has erased itself just as quickly as it formed. I must be sounding pretty insane right about now. It’s just, I am not used to… I am fine.

Added at a saner moment: Kids, if you chose to disobey the “don’t read me” on top and have reached this point, please, game in moderation. In particular long, winding, vague and dream inducing stuff (and fantasy games that leave more questions in your head than answers) like The Longest Journey. Obviously, they can affect you in devious and painful ways eons after you�ve stopped �doing them�.

And parents, talk to your kids, they will listen.

No, I don’t “See dead people” ™.

This has not been a paid presentation for any of the products mentioned or implied above.

I mean literally. This thing isn’t due for another hour or so, and I still have about an hour of work left on it. But I’ve stopped. What’s the fun in finishing before (or even on) time? The real fun is in pushing limits to the very edges, and breaking them if you have to.

Finally feel relaxed. Just waiting for the final burst of tension filled enthusiasm to set in to actually finish this. Which will most probably be done hurriedly in some bus with shabby handwriting and what not, but that’s just me.

I had ages to do this. But didn’t. Last evening I began panicking and started. Things looked pretty bleak until 3-4 am, while I was working like a madman. And then I could see it, the finish line. I actually started checking of things left to be done rather than things I’ve finished. And then it happened, I stalled, and slowly stopped. Random browsing, senseless arguments, music breaks, dew refills, working on the chat box, downloaded, installed and playing HALO damnit. It was such a let down. I loved the entry menu music. Totally downhill from there.

Good thing I didn’t rush in for an XBOX just FOR this game. I will wait for Halo 2 or whatever and then weigh the options.

Currently overdosed with sugar and caffeine. It can’t be good for me, but I feel real good. And to think I almost started pondering about thinking about the concept of “from now on I am going to start early, do a good job and finish on time.”

Hah, yeah right. I’ll the take weeks and weeks of nothingness, falling rapidly behind, then catching up with these once in few months marathon “get everything cleared sessions” any day. Not literally of course, just, get way over delayed things cleared.

I need a nap.

When people give you three weeks time to do something and keep hinting that it’s challenging, do me a favour and just trust them. Being up at 2 am at work and knowing fully well you aren’t going to sleep tonight is totally uncool.

Totally.