actuality.log

Elmer Fuddized webpage. Clickey!

Update: Not really updated or related, but Google has opened an R&D center in Bangalore, India – our first full fledged engineering facility outside the United States. We’re looking to hire talented software engineers, top programmers and visionary computer scientists. The engineering development team in Bangalore will mirror Google’s other engineering offices, with the same scope of work, hiring standards and unique Google culture.

Details here.

The news here are those “fictitious” resumes. Good god.

“Back” to large (or small) bodies of boring text, for a bit. Most of my days have been consumed with work, walks, helping out here and there with the gimp, and conversations. Actual conversations with interesting people, about fascinating topics.

For reasons I don’t need to explain to you, the W-word if offlimits.

I’m quite proud of the self control I possess. I’ve been this way since I was very little. At points, it is waay more than proud. It is such a huge part of who I am, I have to keep making sure it stays that way. I’m the most calculated and rational person I know, however I might sound. And actually, it has worked very well for most aspects of my life. Obviously, it fails for the really important things, and I keep screwing up over and over, but for everything else I think it works better than most. Another scarily important aspect of this control, is self denial. I can, quite happily, deny myself something I know I want, just as a show of power by my brain. It’s just its way of going, listen up all outlaw wannabe rogue parts of the body, I own you. Accept it, or I’ll make you.

I’ve been directing some of this (self proclaimed) control to cut my diet in half. For whatever reasons, I decided to drop my body mass. I decided to drop it, in this country’s units, some 20. Actually that’s not that much, it’s just scaled up and makes it seem like a lot more than it really is. I was thinking of reaching a body mass I was at a certain point in my life, without exercise. Why? Because I need to remember that I can.

To put things in perspective, and to make sure no one is starving, here are my old and new diet compared. Halving my diet just sounds a lot worse than it really is.

A bowl of cereal and enough milk
A glass of orange juice
4 (rather chunky) chocolate chip cookies
A large sandwich
An awful lot of soft drink

Half a bowl of cereal and enough milk (with half the fat content)
Half a glass of orange juice
3 (rather chunky) chocolate chip cookies
Half a sandwich
A lot less soft drink
More water than soft drink

I know 4/2 cookies does not equal 3. But cookies rock, and even I don’t have that much control. The big deal here is I’ve decided to always drink more water than soft drink if/when I do drink it. It’s working like a charm. There is only a finite amount of fluid I can ingest at a given point of time. I’ve done this for a while now, and I have reached hmm 60% my target. Which means I have 8 units of body mass left, before I can find the next big thing to prove something to myself with.

Maybe exercise exercise instead? I know I hate work work. But the weather is a lot nicer outside, and I am thinking of becoming a wee bit healthier. Not just reducing body mass, just push that heart attack sort of thing a few years later down life’s path. In related news, I’ve slowly started doing some of my yoga. It’s kind of funny, I was sort of forced to formally learn a routine before I left to help me out when I’m stressed. I was all pffft me? Stressed?

Ok, I admit it. I’m still like that. It’s just, I can feel like I’m probably relieving some (non existent if need be) tension can’t I?

And now, the new (hopefully) permalinks (aka tentative sitemap):

intro:
wahgnube.org/ – primary intro
wahgnube.org/fluctuant.html – fluctuant intro
wahgnube.org/factual.html – site ad disguised as factual intro

articles:
wahgnube.org/entropy/ – primary articles page, to link to real pages
wahgnube.org/entropy/interests.html – interests and related articles
wahgnube.org/entropy/articles.html – not so clearly classified articles
wahgnube.org/entropy/elevated.html – links to past “decent” journal entries
wahgnube.org/entropy/projects.html – different project info page(s)

journal:
actuality.wahgnube.org/ – the journal

artwork:
wahgnube.org/art/ – primary art page, to link to real pages
wahgnube.org/art/original.html – original art
wahgnube.org/art/textfx.html – text modification effects
wahgnube.org/art/manipulations.html – photo manipulations
wahgnube.org/art/screenshots.html – screen shots of my desktop and other such non art

photos:
wahgnube.org/photos/ – primary photo index and favourites
wahgnube.org/photos/setname.html – photos in that set
wahgnube.org/photos/misc[n].html – n=1,2,… miscellaneous pictures

links:
wahgnube.org/links/ – just a page with odd links, for now

guestbook:
wahgnube.org/guestbook/ – the guestbook, redirects to umich for now

credits:
wahgnube.org/credits/ – people and technology credit space

details:
wahgnube.org/info/ – primary index, to link to real info
wahgnube.org/info/disclaimer.html – site disclaimer and usage policy
wahgnube.org/info/todo.html – site todo
wahgnube.org/info/compatibility.html – browser/platform compatibility notes
wahgnube.org/info/statistics.html – site access logs and reports

contact:
wahgnube.org/contact/ – a page to obscure, yet show, email id

No, I really didn’t have too much else to say.

Warning: The following post contains a picture, or a part of it, that isn’t one of nature.

I am sane. It is just a lot easier to keep abusing one poor picture over and over again rather than actually come up with something meaningful to say. So while I’m in this state, such sort of nonsense has to be tolerated. Here is the other half of an image I released a few days ago.

Take a bit of time, map a few colours to different values, place them close to each other in your head, and you have a self portrait. Not usual, but good enough. If you need more help, those black and white thresholded images have to help you with this extremely complicated jigsaw puzzle.

Did I just insult your intelligence? Oooh dicey and risque.

The change is imminent.

ATCGW*! or something like that.

If you haven’t already noticed, I’ve avoided a semi serious post here for a long time now. It’s not like I’ve been lazy, or that busy, or had nothing to say. It’s just, for all that talk about being calm, I am nowhere near it. Everything I’ve tried to put down over the past week or so has been hurtful and groping in the darkey for something I feel I really need, but don’t quite know how to get. So many tossing-turney inducing questions. Do I really dare to know? I’ve been avoiding posting any of it. I wasn’t being very nice.

I’ve had so much to say over various points of time in the recent past, but I just realized I have no one to say them to. Not having someone to listen to all this happening in my life is beginning to wear me out. It either stays bottled up and waiting to boil over while I’m outwardly calm, or avoided totally with cheesiness like taking pictures of my hair care products.

However little you know about me, there are certain aspects of my personality that are fairly obvious. I look for efficiency in things. While doing this, I also look for a reason for existence. Everything needs a reason for existence. I don’t quite know when it happened, but at some point, she became mine. Now that.. I cannot find a word.. It still exists, but has no right to. For the most part, I’ve slowed down, a lot. I don’t particularly care about anything anymore. I can’t even talk. Forming sentences is a pain now. Everything I say at points comes out blurred and stammery. I don’t see the point to any of this any more. It’s like, those weird computer games from the 80’s that have no point really. The levels just get harder and harder (by getting faster and faster or whatever), until they cross human response time tresholds, and you lose. There is no point, just to see how far you can go before you lose. Frickkin life.

I keep hearing on all these TV shows, (as the guy’s being dumped mostly) a (fairly standard) dialogue the woman gives relating to how much he inspires her. For a long time I had no clue what that really meant. I mean, you can be inspired, or uninspired, like me. I never realized a person could make me want to do so much more, or try so much harder. I want to do so much more because of how she makes me feel. I want to be so much more. I want to be better. Now it’s just so hard when your hands are tied behind your back. I’m not athletic. I can’t like win a trophy and dedicate it to her, or use my strength to win like this cute bear thing at a carnival. I can’t create some miracle drug that cures aids/cancer/eating disorder/.. and name it after her. I cannot a do a LOT. I want to, but I cannot. I can however, do the small thoughtful things that I know are cute. I can take a lot of time, use things at hand creatively and come up with something.. worthy.

I mean, I could, but now I cannot. She won’t hear of it. She goes, “no, I don’t want any of it anymore”.

You now see where the problems arise. A normal person might go, hmm, ok, let me just direct these impulses elsewhere. Let me, I don’t know, dress up as a clown and make my rounds making balloon animals for 3 year olds. I stopped.

I stopped that. And that’s not where I stopped. She wasn’t just some inspiration, she was a reason for existence. I stopped living (what little I did live anyway). I am reverting to a bare subsistence existing.

I stopped doing. Not with respect to her. Just stopped.

Again, for those not paying attention, if you haven’t noticed already, the cheesiness in past posts is related to this too.

It HAS TO BE EASIER THAN THIS. At least for someone like me. The lord of self control.

*LBB(?)T – Large block of boring(?) text.
*ATCGW – And the crowd goes wild.

NP. R.E.M – Green

I repeat, large blocks of boring text return in a bit.

This is just a concept trial you know. The image, the stupid white colour, and the general nature of the text and how fast it fades out/how it fades out will be experimented on in time.

Why am I not home at a 10 to 2?

wahgnube.org

– Tables cleaned up and 137 font tags removed.
– Broke a lot of CSS in zealotry. Will fix tomorrow.
– Templates very elaborate, but almost no work per page. Quite a bit of ugly SSI you won’t see.
– New content worked on for all pages, but not moved in.
– Still finalizing the the automation scheme for the photos page. Need another guestbook (and counter) to sever ties with uni servers.
– You shouldn’t see too many differences, except nice URIs. (wahgnube.org/photos/ etc.)
– Probably allow journal to be reached via wahgnube.org/actuality as well. Will move it to wordpress once theme in mmmaybe matches this.
– wahgnube.org will be replaced by wahgnube.org/static/ when things get .. stable.
– Will reset the counters to current values when pages stabilize.
– All “powered by” images hosted locally to reduce connections to external servers.
– Search domain in google box changed.

Large blocks of boring text return in a bit.

I’m starting to fashion an idea in my head
where I would impress you
with every single word I said.
They’d come out insightful, or brave, or smooth, or charming
and you’d want to call me..
And I would be there every time
you’d need me
I’d be there every time…

But for now I’ll look so longingly
waiting…
For you to want me, for you need me, for you to notice me.

NP. Dashboard Confessional – So Impossible

And post a bunch of test results.

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	Low
Schizoid:	Very High
Schizotypal:	Moderate
Antisocial:	Low
Borderline:	Low
Histrionic:	Low
Narcissistic:	Low
Avoidant:	Low
Dependent:	Low
Obsessive-Compulsive:	Low
— Personality Disorder Test – Take It! —

Thanks Adi. My opinions when I make the time.

Again. I apparently like naming my images black and white. I also like taking fewish snaps and abusing them to the fullest.

You know you want to click me.

NP. Oasis – The Masterplan

Update: Worked with a 5-10 colour indexed mode image to get a very small gif. Rethresholded it to different values to get more detail. I am new to indexed images. They are a lot more restrictive than the usual ARGB. GIF *shudder*. In other news, been helping out a bit on mmmaybe.gimp.org. Menial stuff for now, but someone’s got to do it.

I feel so cheesy when I’m like this, but it has to be done.

If you were having one of those “Maybe he’s born with it, may be it’s Maybelli Dov Garni Jerge a product” moments inspired by catch phrases from hip companies, I plan to dispel any such doubt.

You’re free to laugh now. Go on, I know you want to.

Honest. Just trying out life a little. This will have to do for now. Don’t let the fake half a smile fool ye. And no, the whitish glare in the general vicinity above my head has nothing to do with a halo.

NP. Lenny Kravitz – 5

Today was huge. One of the hugest days of my life. A few days earlier, I had declared it the “first day of the rest of my life”. Now, I think that was my first small step, but even that wasn’t as major as the events of today. Today was a much needed reality check. I am a broken man. I mean seriously broken. But I am peaceful, and not sad. I’m not crying anyway. It is very hard to go on through normal life holding onto threads whose other ends aren’t attached to anything. You’re always hoping and pining for something you don’t even know you really want, but are constantly hurt realizing you won’t have. It’s stupid when the head loses control of the sequence of events. It just keeps telling you, calm down and back off, it is going to be fine, when there are other rogue portions of your soul deciding to take matters into their own hands.

It was just too hard riding down a path of life with hope, knowing it leads no where. It’s even worse when you didn’t even know where you wanted it to go. I don’t hope anymore. I made sure I got her to cut all the threads. I have nothing to hold on to. We’re too.. her words which I eventually accepted, “weird” together. Nothing has ever been “normal”. The circumstances we met, the circumstances where the magnitudes of feelings rose to points that couldn’t be clearly classified, changes, distance, insecurity issues, … and anything else you care to throw into the mix. Weirder still, were the reasons for the feelings. There is just tons and tons of “stuff” which I’d just assumed would magically “go away” because of how we felt. For once in my life, I was being the man about it. I was all gung-ho about my abilities to fix everything and protect us keeping us happy. None of that was my role. Parts of it were her fight. She had to deal with it herself, to get rid of her issues forever. These things have to be give and take from both sides. Not give and give and give from one side, while the other is beginning to feel weirded out because they’re “taking too much”. Yes, I could have stopped and tried not to overwhelm. But it wasn’t something whose repercussions I would know until it was too late. Maybe I could have been distant, and she could have hidden all her “flaws” from me. But that wouldn’t have really worked. I’d like to know someone totally before I am willing to entrust them with so much power over my emotions. Maybe she could have told me like it is, and I could have been human about it rather than attempting to elevate myself to a guardian angel who she could never have. Maybe I should have had more faith in me as a person, and realized she would probably want me just as much even if I wasn’t constantly “there for her” when she was down. She hates the use of the term “be there”. I’m beginning to too.

But, the sad truth in all of this is I still will do the exact same things, so there is no point hypothesizing about me being “less selflessly there”. She needed, I was there by her side. If she needs, I will still be there by her side. If that elevates me again to some sort of selfless person who cared for her more than he loved her, then so be it. All I needed to feel from the conversation today, was she would have seen me as someone she wanted, even if I weren’t all those things to her. Just me. The person, not the social worker turned idol to worship. I got that out of it. She gave me that. Which is why I am calm now. If I sensed all my life, all that she felt for me, were purely based on my actions given the circumstance, I wouldn’t be peacefully broken. I’d be crushed and depressed.

And I now believe I am psychic. I knew this was coming. I sensed it last evening. I knew I had to be strong for this and not some cowering weakling all lashing out when we were trying to express the harsh realities. How muddled things are. What led them to that state. What needs to be done to get out of this mess so we can be happy. I just knew it. I took the day off for one. I spent all morning venting my emotions through other media. I had gotten it all out. I wasn’t hurt. I wasn’t sad. I wasn’t scared. I was prepared, and sane. It worked perfectly. We talked for the longest time, and nothing that was said fazed me. I already knew it all and was quite ready to deal with it. I felt strong, and for once in control of my own emotions.

To steal lyrics from a very very apt song, U2’s Kite:

Something is about to give
I can feel it coming
I think I know what it means
I’m not afraid to die
I’m not afraid to live
And when I’m flat on my back
I hope to feel like I did

‘Cause hardness, it sets in
You need some protection
The thinner the skin

I’m a man, I’m not a child
A man who sees
The shadow behind your eyes

I want you to know
That you don’t need me anymore
I want you to know
You don’t need anyone, anything at all

Who’s to say when the wind will take you
Who’s to know what it is will break you
I don’t know which way the wind will blow
Who’s to know when the time’s come around
Don’t wanna see you cry
I know that this is not goodbye

Did I waste it?
Not so much I couldn’t taste it

Now, I’ve set some milestones along this journey out of this ambiguous mess. The first goal is rather simple. (To put down in words anyway. Achieving it is a whole different story.) The aim now is to separate my happiness (and state of mind in general) from her. Not separate her from my life – just attempt to prevent her from being the primary determinant of my state of mind. “Her” is fairly generic, and it includes “our state”, “her state in life”, “her actions”, “what she feels”, “what she feels toward me or other people”, “how she sounds and what she’s saying”, and things related.

I’ll leave you with the most important sentences anyone�s ever expressed to me. The moment I felt I had her, forever. The moment I wasn�t just her best friend anymore.

I need you implicitly
I trust you totally
I love you, and hey, it�s stamp marked forever

Now all I have to do is remember why we’re doing this. And why I have to be strong and attempt to forget how much we mean to each other. I have to. I really would like us to be “normal” parts of each others lives without all this chaos and nonsense causing so much confusion.

I don�t want or need it to be true to be very happy. I would really like it to be so to be even happier.

NP. U2 – All That You Can’t Leave Behind

The Second Annual FSF Associate Membership meeting will be on Saturday, March 27, 2004, from 10:00 AM – 4:30 PM in Cambridge, MA, USA at MIT in Building 1, Room 190.

If you wish to attend, please RSVP to membership@fsf.org by Friday, March 12, 2004, in order to guarantee a space.

The meeting will feature presentations by and conversation with the FSF Staff and the members of the FSF Board of Directors. So far, Richard Stallman, Eben Moglen and Bradley Kuhn are confirmed as speakers. More will be added shortly.

There is no charge for attending. Breakfast and lunch will be provided.
This year, we are also organizing a dinner for after the meeting, at The Middle East in Cambridge, MA.

Geeks, free food, social aspects of technology – AT CAMBRIDGE MASS.

Goddamnit! And here I am fishing around far far away.
I repeat. Goddamnit!

Times like this are when I wished I had actually saved those frequent flyer miles.
Or was born with a silver, make that platinum, spoon in my mouth.
Or was in a better school.

So much has been going on, the only way to get all of this in is to break it up into small chunks. (Either that, or actually talk about all of it in one large post and have nothing left to say for the next few weeks. You know I’m going to be sneaky about this.)

At work, say, there have been huge changes in the lab. Things have been moved, shelves and furniture added/removed, and all sorts of other remodelling has gone on. The previous set up was quite dingy, and not entirely productive. I mean, no one I know actually sat here and did major portions of their work. They’d all be in some lounge/library/cafe or somewhere else. Being one of the younger (the youngest, if you need the details) guys here has some drawbacks at times like these. I’d been delegated a bunch of the moving things around, throwing unneeded stuff out, moderately heavy (by my standards) lifting, and so on.

But, it’s done, and it seems so much larger. It just feels a lot warmer and a lot more inviting. I mean, I’m actually sitting here. We now have plants :). Poor widdle things might die from neglect real soon. We’ll see.

Switching gears, but keeping to our central theme, change, I looked at a couple of studios today. And I think I’ve pretty much settled on one. It’s very small compared to where I’m living now, and three times as expensive, but I think it’ll be fun. It seems quiet and warm. There are, however, the important things still to be judged. Like how good the eating places are in and around these parts. Here is the view from a sandwich shop at the corner of the street from the house.

And here’s the half-eaten-sandwich-eye view. Since that’s what counts.

Yes, I’m a glutton. Sue me.

NP. The Corrs – Talk on Corners

Update: Stolen concept. Just checking if this looks better.

Hmm. It does. Damn it, it’s more work.