actuality.log

Yes, you’re obviously supposed to click the image.

Got things done to a decent enough level (as judged by someone who’d gone for some 50+ hours without sleep, so you never really know), and headed home for a while in the early afternoon. It isn’t much, but you do begin to miss your bed after not being in it a couple of nights. Curled up, felt (not uncharacteristically) cozy, and didn’t stir for four or so hours. A quick stop at a chic café, and the bodily systems recharge is some 80% complete. I don’t know what it is about cafés, but now I want to walk around in a beret.

Away time from home has resulted in few pleasant surprises. First, we’re on broadband. Secondly, my computer is fixed and now all I have do is pick it up. Third, though this can’t be classified as pleasant, got some paperwork related to taxes. Imagine me, all grown up and paying taxes.

Some scary stuff in the outside world though. Admittedly, “formal” relativistic mechanics (as in any such crash course style quantum leap in conception, just enough to get by for the next day) was totally new to me and scared me more than I am going to admit. (Us engineers are more Galilean and extremely classical in our perception of space and time. For starters, they are distinct objects. We like to keep things simple, and within our realm of comprehension. I can’t believe I said us engineers.) But the scary part in all of this is that the class strength seemed to have dropped to 60% just a day after these conceptual jumps were required to be made. And these are people who’ve been doing this and related things on this level for a long time now. Was I being foolhardy by sticking around when I clearly lack prerequisite insight essential to comprehending such things? I don’t know. I hope not. It is refreshingly different, and hence excitingly interesting. I just hope there aren’t any unpleasant crash and burnisms in the future.

But I’m not entirely sure even that was as unnerving as being reminded I don’t always portray enough of how I really feel. And place undue strain on peoples’ ESP. For no real reason, these lyrics come to mind,

I don’t know what it is
That makes me feel alive
I don’t know how to wake
The things that sleep inside
I only wanna see the light
That shines behind your eyes.

Apparently non-engineers need sleep. The library where I was at closed for the “night” at 5 AM. NOTHING ELSE AROUND WAS OPEN EITHER. What rot. No extremely late night almost morning bar, no breakfast place, no store, no BUILDING damn it. Stayed for a while in the cold till I found an engineering department. Sheesh.

I don’t feel so good.

In more moments of mind blowing side tracking, I just came across some words (some six of those while I was not working reading another biography) that might go into the “insert relatively funny catchphrase here” placeholder, above.

ardent, dry, tentative, incisive, witty, ironic, sarcastic, not caustic.

Might as well add something along the lines of self proclaimed while I’m at it. If someone comes up with a brilliantly funny line using some of these and/or related words, they get a prize*. Let the wordsmithing begin.

I’m trying too. But this is not my sort of thing. Clicking on any other page in the menu above should show you the current cheap imitation iterant.

(*If you count being blatantly plagiarized a prize.)

Does the unhappy happy dance. Except he isn’t in the frame of mind or physical condition to make any sudden moves.

Stay awake for over 30 hours.
Feel all disoriented and sick.
Induce large doses of caffeine.
Back to work, as good as new! Better even.
Do this for a few days in a row.
Die few days later.

(Obviously I am not going home tonight either. At this rate, I am going to stop paying rent.)

Does the unhappy happy dance, again.

(Yes, attention span and memory as well as perception of reality are fished.)

Update: You know there is something wrong when I start using exclamation marks. Two even. And, oh my goodness, am I not good enough to be a physicist?

No, this is just crazy talk. It’s late late, I’m exhausted. Back to screwing around and not understanding relativistic mechanics!

(If I can just keep away from this rather interesting scientist biography I’m finding more fascinating than I ought to. All hail Emmy Amalie Noether. Libraries suck productivity. )

No, not really. It’s 3:55 or some such in the morning and I am unable to sleep. Am nowhere near done for tomorrow due things. Coolest (actually not) bit is I haven’t started on dayafter due things.

Whee!

Ahh yes, in this generic insomnia, I somehow ended up at rediffblogs. Which surprisingly has links to different blogger meets and that sort of (shudder, social) thing. No, that isn’t the interesting bit. I quickly ran through the blogger lists by places. So there’s one for Delhi, Bombay, Madras, the usual suspects. The most interesting bit was amongst the Madrasi listees, only some 2-3 out of a much larger number were hosted on rediffblogs. The people from other places, over 90% hosted on rediffblogs. Just some weird coincidence? I think not.

I don’t know why that makes me feel better, or why I even observed that. I’m just on planet delirium right about now. Somehow hoping idle browsing and stupid observations make up for sleep.

I just stood there in the cold, reliving the evening and staring at it. I am not so sure the chill could be attributed to the cold.

Now I don’t know whether I have to mope about some stupid traffic light signal changing its sequence (and the obligatory having to reobserve and relearn), or whether I should be celebrating that I didn’t almost get myself killed by letting my state of mind affect my past perception based estimation.

It might seem awfully shallow to a third person that this is one of his biggest life concerns. I am not too good with dealing with changes, and I’m sort of targetting all fear related to all changes toward this. I guess, as if it’s a (reeshy level) metaphor for something a lot bigger.

Then again, it may just be a very important concern (for no apparent reason) in my life, and my life might just be a lot more sketchy than I give it credit for.

I had a rather eventful (by my standards anyway) evening yesterday. To put things in perspective, I was a bit unnerved by what we’ll call “events” that transpired earlier during the day. If you’re wondering, “events” is a generic placeholder for anything from being flustered that I couldn’t solve an “obvious” differential equation, to being rattled by the reality angel attempting to puncture my happy-happy bubble with her extremely fast action nail gun.

First, let’s start with the more fun things. Being computerless, I was at one of these common computers last evening trying to print some stuff out. Like all other normal people on generic machines, I used IE to attempt to print out some stuff I needed for this homework. (Yes, I still be a kid. I do things like homework and so on.) Anyway, I wasn’t paying too much attention to what it was that I was doing, and I failed to notice that this machine had one of those ad popup trojans installed, which was busy popping up ads for *cough*, stuff. So here I am pressing some obscure keystroke to print, not actually looking at what pages are being sent to the printer. I go to pick it up, and I have to bear the totally pseudo wrath of a couple of people standing next to the printer as my few pages of softcore porn interspersed with geek stuff rolls out. How exciting!

(Before I go on, I must make an obligatory reference to Calvin‘s dad because I think of this each time I am slowly making my way through the bitter cold and feet of snow. He’d always say something like [insert generic misery here] builds character.

That is one awesome comic.)

Moving along, it is no secret that I like relatively static routines. Sure, I am not the most happening of people as a result, but I am comfortable with it. I see patterns and form routines. Now this pattern seeing thing is not always good, as I realized last evening. I have this (rather adaptive) traffic light sequence I usually cross on my way home. Like most geeks, I know its sequence by heart, and know how it adapts to how crowded the lanes are, and correct for it in my predicting its actions. What I am trying to say is, I don’t really watch it turn, I see its state, look around, and respond assuming I know how it will behave. Yesterday was one of those cold and many feet of snow (exaggerating of course, but for good reason) on the road days, and I wasn’t in the best frame of mind to make sane decisions. And yet I, the hero, attempt to cross without really paying too much attention to the actual state of affairs relating to reduced braking ability induced by the aforementioned feet of snow. Needless to say, thank god for people driving slow(er)ly because it was such horrid weather. I now got what it meant to be really shaken.

Yes, all of that talk of patterns and things was just to glorify my carelessness.

But today has been totally different as a result. Everything looks cheery. As if on cue, the sun is out and shining. All past pending home cleaning/improvement jobs have been completed in a day. It’s like I really want everything around me to look as good as I now see it.

Everything just feels a lot cooler. Everything looks a lot prettier. I feel good. I feel not dead.

* NDEs – Near death experiences

Yes, clicking me will open up a larger version of the same picture.

If you’re a camera.

Ah yes, I don’t normally do this, but I am lazier than usual today. Here’s a poll from /.

Your Biggest Failure as a Nerd?
[ ] Haven’t seen LOTR.
[ ] Didn’t build my own computer.
[ ] Don’t run Linux.
[ ] Have a significant other.
[ ] Don’t use caffeine.
[ ] Exercise regularly.
[ ] Only have one email address.
[ ] Less than excellent karma.

*sighs*

Except it is some system and not really a horse. I will go on and on about this at regular intervals, and you have to bear with me.

Program Action History: Mechanical Engineering Mas
01/12/2004 Completion of Program – Mechanical Engineering MSE

o-\-< o-|-< o-/-<

Not to get into details because it’s depressing me, but these modded lyrics should capture the mood.

“My tea’s gone cold, I’m wondering why I got out of bed at all
The morning rain clouds up my window and I can’t see at all
And even if I could it’d all be grey, but your picture on my wall
It reminds me that it’s not so bad
It’s not so bad

I drank too much last night, got bills to pay
My head just feels in pain
I missed the bus and there’ll be hell today
I’m late for work again
And even if I’m there, they’ll all imply that I might not last the day
And then I try to call you and it just got a whole lot worse”

A relatively nice song by Dido, no matter what other words people try to associate her name with.

That apart. Begun some subtle changes to the site. Slowly beginning the separation of work and play. And removing most blatantly obvious ways of getting from one to the other. I’ve suddenly realized why people do this, and that it is a good idea. I will move these “play” pages slowly to wahgnube.org and evolve the work ones in here.

And in life news, I am finalizing things that make all these degree extenders official and legit. Yes, I am or soon will be bound to stay here a bit longer to finish up.

Woke at a decent hour, 7ish. In the shower by 7:12. Reached late for a class which started at TEN THIRTY. Did NOTHING ELSE in the time in between. What gives? Is water that much fun? I must have been some sort of camel-fish in my previous life or some such. (Why camel-fish? – You need to work with me a bit here. I have exhausted analogies with most animals and am now moving on to hybrids). It’s like I was a camel, except without a hump and with gills of steel, and needed to store my days supply of air to live.

Ok, that did sound a lot funnier in my head. (And yes, I know you’re going, “Oh, sure it did.”). Of course, there is only so much you can do to make it sound funny if the only “event” in your day was a long shower.

I love my life.

Not.

Ahh yes, I’ve been using the computer an awful lot less, and that is a good thing. You get to do so much, like not miss the new Average Joe. I don’t know what it is, I hate this one less. I guess I have gone through these things too many times to feel as annoyed as I once did anymore.

They have definitely chosen a more dorky set of people, which I think adds to my lack of sympathy when they are booted off. And this woman seems a tad more invested in the process than the other one was. As in she SEEMED a bit sad as she was booting off people, and she didn’t kick out all the above 200 pound guys in the first week. She waited for one more. That has to count for something.

But I think the real reason I didn’t hate the show was this one guy. There is something about the way he behaved that was, I don’t know, clear to me I guess, but not always seemingly clear to other people. When you have all these guys going on and on about how beautiful she looked (something I’m quite sure she knows and has heard a billion times before considering she is a miss [insert name of place here, or if you are feeling cocky, a larger place, or if you are feeling even more cocky, universe here]), there is this one guy who’s appreciating her portraits. That’s just the most intelligent move I’ve ever seen a person make on such a show. No points for guessing who she seemingly likes the most at this point. But does it matter? Considering in a few weeks they will bring in the model type men and these poor mere mortals have a very high probability of being dumped in an instant.

Or maybe all of this is moot and she just looks more attractive than the other woman and my field of reality perception is warped as a result. It very well could be you know.

(Yes I am thankful the site plug, death, site plug, death, site plug, … post sequence is over too.)

I feel like I’m going all out to prove that I can make a professionalish site if I have to. I wonder why though.

Sleep. Must sleep.

But while I’m plugging sites anyway, budding writer / those sorts of people, check out the newly evolving aesthetica. It’s in good hands.
Umm, everytime someone doesn’t check out what I point them too, umm god kills a kitten. Please think of the kittens. Yes, something like this. Aww.