actuality.log

Hmm. The idiot neighbour people (No, not the squeaky bed ones above – who have resulted in some recent sleep loss btw. Will complain about that when it gets too bad.) had left their dog loose for a bit last evening and the scary thing charged towards me as I was nearing home. I am not an animal person. Mmmmmaybe a cat tolerating person, but an animal person, definitely not. I have to say it scared me a bit. It’s not a small cute dog. But then again, it’s not like it’s menacing or something like that. But it is large and I’m sure it could hurt you if it wanted. Anyway, when the neighbour dude n dudette did notice, they yelled out to it and it just stopped and turned around. And my heart had had its workout for the month, though all it probably wanted was to sniff me or some such.

It’s pretty fished up to have large animal pet things. It’s even more fished up to leave them all unattended and leashless.

Anyway, paid a bunch of bills today. I am sure a good deal of them are a tad late, but it’s stopped bothering me. Bill time is always related to a “feel poor for a bit” feeling that lasts for the day. Hmm, I ought to pay em in the evening. Quite expectedly, housing chaos is beginning to rear its ugly head again. This time I am better mentally prepared to handle things. It’s just, a major annoyance for no real reason. Also, must check out this place. It looks like fun. Probably, just probably, a fun way to meet people of different age, interests, and sexual orientation having broad thoughts, creative ideas, and diverse backgrounds. Though I am pretty sure it will not be without its fair share of nonsense you have to deal with either. Am curious though.

It’s all easy to say things like “I am definitely going to take at least one picture everyday” and all that. It’s insanely hard when you get down to it. And it’s just my third day at it. Large blocks of text that don’t make too much sense and that aren’t terribly exciting are my speciality. You start looking for the weirdest of things to shoot. Like, here is today’s.. wall.

Es ist groß, grau und unpersönlich. Wie ich.
(It’s large, grey and impersonal. Like me.)

For some reason, groß, grau und unpersönlich were among the the first 10 German words I learnt. I wonder what the authors were thinking when they wrote the book.

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Got back to the uni yesterday after a decent break. Actually been moderately productive today. Not great, but much better than in the recent past. Met some mind blowing genius types down at the math department far far away from here. I think I finally have a half decent way of describing the way I differentiate between scientist/mathematician types and engineer engineer types. It’s like the difference between, say an actually talented bunch of music performers, and a manufactured boy band.

It’s not about the big bags of money, or the multi-platinum records. It’s about keeping it real.

And the cutest thing. Ok, not really. The squirrels out here are quite large and ugly. They are as big as small dogs, and quite brave. Not very squirreley. I was a little early for class and decided to chill (literally?) at a park. This squirrel comes up real close, I think expecting some nuts or some such to eat. While it was hanging about near my feet I thought it’d be cool to shoot it. Of course, by the time I got my camera out, it realized it’s not getting any food from me, and ran up a tree. Obviously, that didn’t stop me.

Click it to open another page with the same picture, but a bit larger. If you’re so inclined, of course.

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Saw The Family Man yesterday. It’s not like I have a thing against fantasy movies, but this was just a bit much. It started off funny and soon degraded to “Gah! Pierce my eyes and let me out of this misery”ey. If I had something better to do last night, I’d have gone and done that. Obviously I didn’t, and this is the pain I had to endure.

But I have to admit it dealt with something I’m sure everyone wants. The chance to “just know” what would have happened if things had happened differently. That’d be cool, and you know it. Even our friends at MT make references to it. Actually, being a l33t hardcore gamer type, I think at some point you just hope real life’s like that too. Where you can save at regular intervals, scew up something big time, and restart at those points like nothing happened. Again, that’d be awesome.

Stumbled onto her gallery the other day. Obviously, someone’s insanely talented. Got bit by the inspired bug, and decided to try an “at least one pic a day” thing, so that, you know, I get better.. eventually eventually? I think that’s more of an “at least one pic every relatively free day” thing. Of course, the operative word is relatively. I shot these today.

Yes, I have things to do and am at work. But that doesn’t have to stop me. Pencils are pretty.. enough. They were shot on a manual focus of, IIRC some 6 and 4 cm.

Generally uneventful day. Been reading a lot of Megatokyo.

Of course, it wouldn’t be complete without an obligatory reference to my life.

It’s been all rainy and snowy all day. But that hasn’t really dampened people’s spirits (unfortunately?). We’ve been running around like maniacs all day to stores and malls. Haven’t bought anything terribly exciting. Carried my camera, which has become a bit of a permanent accessory, but didn’t really want to take it out in all the rainy wet mess outside. Interestingly, stopped for lunch at this food court, and I ordered from a Chinese restaurant. It was quite good, though I am not exactly a big fan of “asian” (south east) cuisine. Anyway, the fun part, here’s what my fortune cookie read.

It was apt. (But then again, I am sure if I read anyone else’s, it would have been general enough to fit into my life too.) Anyway, this hit me quite hard. You can screw up doing something. That’s normal. It takes real talent screwing up things not doing anything. Yes, I need to do something about my life.

And I also happened to read on some billboard or some such somewhere that “laughter is the shortest distance between two people”. I just knew it, being the lazy person that I am, I’ve obviously realized this at some point in time and that’s why I handle situations the way I do. Sheesh. Even more indications that I need to do something about my life.

It never dawned on my that there could be something as too much cheese. Unfortunately, there is. I kinda sorta stuffed myself with all sorts of “you will die of a heart attack before you’re 30” goodies yesterday, and felt awfully good at the time. Now I just feel awful. Bleh.

Events? if you can call them that, have pretty much been all food related. Watching late night Food Network, and the perky lady was in Boston, for her “I will survive on a mere 40$ a day” show. I miss? Boston. (And yes, I’ve been there for less than a week in my life. Scary.) More importantly, she keeps reminding me of my hair dresser. Now when I say, “my hairdresser” that’s pretty misnomery, because she’s only touched my hair once. It’s just, I walk past the place almost everyday, and have to go through the obligatory cheery hi/hellos. Again, reminding me as in, it’s not like they look the same. It’s just this… perkiness. That’s fishing annoying after a point. Be glum and dull for a change. Look sad and tired. Be normal. You’re cutting something. It is NOT GIGGLE material. Sheesh.

And for some reason, I am having some issues with split ends. And things aren’t pretty. Maintaining anything more than a bare minimum socially expected length (fully shaven?) head is too much work. I don’t need someone getting all chirpy in my face reminding me of something that’s neatly tucked up inside some hat to be contended with.. later. However cute you are.

Ok maybe it’s me. Maybe I’m the overly crazy hermit on top of the hill who lives alone type. Ok, not alone, with a bunch of snakes type.

Had today’s post typed out. But, for some reason, sleep typed it on my laptop, which can’t go online here. I’m too lazy to look for a means to transfer it here and all that. Decided it’s easier to mock M$ instead. Logged on to this PC and got to see how IM services have developed in wind0ws land. Cute, I see.

For a second I was all “woah, you’ve got to be kidding”. Then I noticed it was just icon weirdness. Sheesh.

Revived aesthetica and moved it into aesthetica.wahgnube.org. Will need to plug it often, bug people etc and get it populated. In time.

Anyway, the other post, the real one was about cheese. And split ends. Split ends suck.

Spent of most of the morning organizing and sorting things. Threw out some 1.5 Kg of paper. I mean, I did dump it in a recycling bin, but it did seem like an awful waste. I really ought to be a bit more tree friendly. I can finally see all areas of my desk at work. Which is somehow good. Except, I don’t know, paper strewn all around gives anyone a pseudo “I am busy” effect, which is strangely missing now.

It all started when I was staring at a huge pile of useful and junk paper as I was deciding what I wanted to take with me during one of the “holiday weekends”. Two hours and 80% junk removal later, I realized all that I really needed was already in this one folder. Ah well, being unnecessarily organized never killed anybody. Anyway, packed up and left in the late afternoon. Four day weekends are good.

At some 5-6 in the evening, didn’t have anything to do. All packed and ready to run away from home and the uni. Since the sun sets really early, decided to take a longish “stare into the sky” walk outside. It was dark. Found a quiet, unlit path and marched off. The sky was insanely clear and I couldn’t help but stare. Parts of the walk were… I was almost sleep walking. Dream walking? I don’t know. Whatever it was, it was a very peaceful and mind relaxing experience. Got back to this small hill just outside my home, and lay there and stared into space for a while. Don’t quite know how long. I’ve never seen the sky so clearly. Ears were covered, but I did feel quite chilly. Got back home. Just in time. Ashwin picked me up on his way in from Chicago.

Now, generally chilling.

mmmaybe‘s up. Cough up the comments and insightful advice.

Caught up on a bunch of blogs. Somehow idled browsed my way to a vegan’s site and on to this. [Insert the obligatory nudity warning here]. Well, I guess some people are passionate about… things. :D

I couldn’t help it, somehow all that kept reminding me of greens+leather (fur isn’t leather, but), and I was in… Bovination? I just HAD to come up with this. For the poor lil vegetarian blogger inside each of us.

Yes, I respond to things in odd ways. And yes, I amuse myself rather easily.

Ok, before I say anything else, might as well go through the motions and release the next iteration, v0.0.5. If it helps, it’s now trimmed down a bit, and valid XHTML 1.1. Not too much though, from 14 odd KB to about 12 or so? Curses, it was beginning to have all that I wanted, and now I go back and actually read the rest of the person’s site (the place I based this disclaimer on initially) and it turn’s out (s)he doesn’t appreciate it being just copied and pasted. It definitely isn’t copied and pasted, and it is very different now, but I need to hack away until I’m sufficiently satisfied it’s differenter. Curses. I should be more observant. Also, it’s totally unfunny at the moment. Need to do something about that too.

I’ve been spending waay too much time on something I know probably no one is ever going to go through.(Which is where the humour should come in and magically save the day?) It’s just, I don’t know, it’s not like I don’t have tons of other more productive things to do, I guess I am probably playing out some subconscious “I want to be a legal something” fantasy. I don’t know. Or it could be this fascination I have with planning and groundwork and all that. I spend all my time working on the foundation of things, and then I stop. It’s like that’s all I ever needed in these side projects? It’s scary that it’s all that really fascinates me with respect to work and other things in my life too. Understand the theory and what not, learn the tools and all that. Stop. There is no drive to use it and get results. All that planning, fishing TODO lists, getting all the groundwork done, is an end in itself. This bothers a lot of people, including me at times.

Speaking of (being an?) irritant, this clause keeps ringing in my head … there might be a fair degree of ambiguity in interpretation of some of the terms that follow. If such an event occurs, the final interpretation is the way I “meant it”, which I will clarify if requested, no matter what words I used to articulate it …. I think I should have worn this (something similar anyway.. a big bold, “I see the world differently. I talk differently. Don’t get hurt/annoyed. Please ask me to explain. I will.”) sign on my head. Probably my life would have been a lot less complicated. And a lot happier.

Yes, I am pretty proud of the way I tied in that drab document with events going on in my life.

Obviously, my day was quite boring. Boring’s good. It was, expectedly, freezing outside, so stuck indoors. (Not like that’s any different from any other day, but now I have something to blame.) Been trying hard to fall back into a normal “let me “just” handle whatever intellectual hurdle that comes my way” routine. It’s just not as easy as I want it to be. Sleep routine is back. Picked up a new “eat twice day at most and not crave anything” nutrition routine. Everything except what I really want is falling back into groove. If I had “it”, none of these would matter, they’d be automatically fine. Abler? Neededer? Less Needyer?

I don’t know what “it” really is. Or rather, I do, but I can’t word it. Of course.

Yesterday was all nice and in the 50s. The sun was shining, people jogging in shorts and all that. (Yes, and those who watch them and not feel the need to do anything which involves unnecessary exertion.) Anyway, everyone’s all “oh what a great day” and happy. And then there’s today. Dull, gloomy, lower 20s with windchills touching 10. Oh, all these numbers are in the all awesome Farenheit. (In more real units, 20 F is about -7 C or so?). And it’s not even December. *Shudder*.

But I was just fine. I was underdressed of course, but my ears were extremely covered. That’s like the only thing that seems to matter.

Got a huge batch of music today. Of course, the store guys screwed up and conveniently replaced some hard to find classic stuff with more recent nonsense. Need to get on their case. I’ve just been feeling a lot older than most of the new agey stuff that’s out there. I can’t handle it. This batch also pushed my music (ogg) collection way over 5 gigs. Which is pretty good for 8 months or so’s purchases I’d say. Another useless milestone I thought would seem more cooler once I got there. But I just feel poor. That’ll go away in the morning.

Hmm. I am going blind in my right eye? and deaf in my left ear? I don’t know what gives. Fishing bodily subsystem failure is not something I am willing to put up with. Not so soon. I need another pair of glasses before that eye just decides it’s of no use and stops doing what it’s supposed to do. I hope the ear thing is related to this water event, the details of which I’d rather forget.

I think I’m subconsciously trying to make up my mind to retreat into this geek shell fortress thing, at least partially. Some sort of self defense and preservation mechanism. It worked wonders with respect to work today. I “just did” whatever I wanted to get done. Haven’t felt that good.. no, I mean, able, in a long while. Haven’t felt that dead in a long while. Hmm. I don’t want me associating dead with productive.

Tidied up everybody’s favourite document and I proudly release v0.0.4 today. It’s getting there. I am beginning to like CSS and XML. It’s like it’s easier and it’s harder at the same time to get the exact same things done.

Of course, I am still waiting for feedback. See how much prettier it is than v0.0.3? You know you want to read it. Sheesh, if things go on like this, I have to start offering bounties. Like popular free software projects.

After a good deal of hacking, I have reached the 3^rd iteration of the Disclaimer and Usage Policy. It is not complete or usable yet. I need people to read it and find obvious flaws. As an added bonus, if you want, you can use this as a base for your own site disclaimer. But I suggest you read it anyway, I might have done something totally drastic, like requiring people who visit my site to give me their first born, or some such. You’d never know, unless you read it, fully.

Any and all comments welcome. Yes, I am almost begging.

It started of as this but is beginning to look less and less like it with each pass.

Ahh yes, back at the uni and at my computer again. I doesn’t really bother me if you think me weird, but I feel a lot more comfortable doing this on my regular box. For some reason, I feel think more freely. Firstly, speaking of the uni, Michigan won some really important college football game against Ohio State. Now I am, obviously, not too interested in what’s going on, and some people might think that’s not good. But at least I think I am better off than deranged psycho fans doing whatever they want to because they can’t handle losing. (Actually I’ve heard and seen people generally get all violent either way, but let’s just say this set did what they did because they weren’t grown up enough to handle losing.) It’s just a fishing game. It has to be fun.

Now with that useless bit of triva+rant out of the way, I can’t believe the person I am, or have seemingly become anyway. I mean, there are all sorts of people in this world. They value what other people think of them and say to them in varying degree. I was, I assumed, never one of those people who cared too much. I’ve, for the most part been, “say and do whatever, I don’t give a damn”ey about everything and everyone around me in my life. But for a while I’ve been someone totally opposite. This is not, obviously, for everybody but to the one(s) that really matter to me. You’d think rational cold people can only handle certain levels of euphoria/depression roller coaster rides before they snap. You’d think they’ll eventually exhaust their resiliency pot and just, break. No. That’s not true. I never realized it, but I am so much more of an optimist, generally “knowing it’s always for the best”ey, and capable of hanging on to microfibrillar threads of hope than I give myself credit for.

I have, for the most part slipped quite considerably when it comes to all intellectual work related pursuits. It’s reaching levels I am sure will lead to permanent detrimental effects if not checked and corrected. I know all this. I see it. It doesn’t bother me. It’s because, deep down I know I can fix this any time I choose to. So many other things are beginning to bother me. I rocket between extreme states of happiness and sadness, only hoping the ride stops at its highest happy point. I go between feelings of “I don’t deserve this” to, beyond hoping, to “just knowing” things will work out.

I wonder what happened to the person whose mood for the day depended on the most mundane of things, like being directly proportional to the product of how hot his shower was and how long he was in there. Sigh. I just don’t want to break and become dead me again.

Of course, I couldn’t help noticing this song playing as I was writing this. I love it. Here are some (extremely modded) lyrics:

7 am

The garbage truck beeps as it backs up
and I start my day thinking about what I’ve thrown away.
Could I push rewind? All the credits traverse signifying the end
but I missed the best part, could we please go back to the start?

Forgive my indecision.

Then again, then again, then again I’m always there when no one’s on your side.

11 am

By now you would think that I would be up
but my bed sheets shade the heated choices I made
What did I find? I never thought I could want someone so much
cause now you’re not here and I’m knee deep in my own fear

Forgive my indecision, I am only a man.

Then again, then again, then again I’m always there when no one’s on your side.

12 pm and my dusty telephone rings.
Heavy head up from my pillow, who could it be?
I hope its you.